IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Children nowadays watch significantly more television than those in the past, which reduces their activity levels accordingly. Why is this the case? What measures can you suggest to encourage higher levels of activüy among children? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience.

In recent years, many advanced tech
devices
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 have promoted watching TV everywhere.
This
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 tendency leads many youngsters or
children
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 to opt for these
devices
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 for entertainment
instead
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 of doing physical exercises.
Thus
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, reducing physical
activities
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 is related to electronic
devices
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 that are more convenient and entertaining for them in daily life.
However
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,
this
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 essay will suggest some solutions to engage higher levels of
activities
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 among
children
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.
First,
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one of the majority reasons is to be more convenient.
For instance
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, in my city, Hong Kong launched different tech products that could be watched and worked whenever youngsters were in need than in the past. When they go to restaurants to have tea or dinner they feel hungry, meanwhile, they can be used to tablets watch TV or movies.
Consequently
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, they tend to get used to using
devices
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 rather than doing physical
activities
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.
Moreover
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, another reason is that
children
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 are more likely to spend time on electronic products for entertainment.
For example
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, some Asian cities
such
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 as Guang Zhou and Shen Zhen, are promoting a huge amount of cutting-edge and tech-products these days. Adults would prefer to spend money on these products for their sons' entertainment.
Therefore
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,
this
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 leads to many
children
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 doing less physical exercise nowadays.
Nevertheless
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, following the reasons, these measures can be taken.
To begin
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 with, it obvious is to combine
devices
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 with doing
activities
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 at the same moment. To illustrate, parents encourage their kids to listen to music on tablets
while
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 they can follow the melody to do higher-level exercises within 15 minutes daily. After that given their break time of around 15 minutes, they should follow the before steps again.
As a result
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, the kids are more likely to have a routine for doing exercises. In conclusion, based on the statements above, decreasing
children
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's physical
activities
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 is related to electronic
devices
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 that are more convenient and entertaining for them in daily life.
However
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, combining
devices
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 with doing
activities
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 at the same moment tends to be a better choice for them.

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task achievement
Ensure that the response fully addresses all parts of the task. The essay should comprehensively explore reasons why children watch more TV and suggest detailed measures to encourage higher levels of activity. Provide a balanced treatment between cause and solution aspects of the prompt.
task achievement
Your ideas need to be more clearly developed. Each paragraph should focus on one central idea, be well developed and extended. Use specific and varied examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, ensure that your paragraphs flow smoothly from one to the next. Use cohesive devices appropriately to signal the relationship between ideas, but be careful not to overuse them.
coherence cohesion
The essay should have a clear overall structure, with a distinct introduction and conclusion. The introduction should set the context and outline the main points to be discussed, while the conclusion should succinctly summarize the argument.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with evidence or examples. Avoid general statements by providing concrete information that reinforces your arguments. This will make your essay more convincing and satisfying the requirements of the task.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary
  • screen time
  • physical activity
  • childhood obesity
  • social interactions
  • leisure activities
  • engagement
  • community programs
  • active lifestyle
  • digital devices
  • organized sports
  • outdoor play
  • parenting norms
  • safety concerns
  • health benefits
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