IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

It can be difficult for small local shops to compete with large supermarkets and with on-line shops. How does this affect local communities? What could be done to improve this situation? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. Write at least 250 words.

#shops #supermarkets #affect #communities #situation
Nowadays, there are various sources that provide people’s needs as
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 popularity rises every day, which
yielded
Wrong verb form
yields
show examples
 to high demand for
products
. Large
stores chain
Fix the agreement mistake
store chains
show examples
 obviously occupied the market by providing
huge
Change the article
a huge
the huge
show examples
 number of
products
,
besides
, modern technology made life easier through online
shops
.
However
,
this
 affects local brands and degrades their popularity. I argue that local
shops
 are vital, and we need to support
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 to overcome
this
 problem. Large markets have a huge chain of
products
 supplied by large industries,
in addition
, they have considerably large storage to store
this
 merchandise.
On the other hand
,
on-line
Correct your spelling
online
show examples
 stores became so trendy
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the development of technology and the wide use of social media.
This
 is the reason behind the lack of productivity in local markets. On one hand, the problem generated from
this
 crisis is crucial,
where
Correct word choice
because
show examples
this
 could erase the identity of the communities
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 since local brands display the taste of the communities’ culture.
Moreover
, graduates and undergraduates who are willing to start their own
business
Fix the agreement mistake
businesses
show examples
 will noticeably lose hope
to be
Change preposition
of being
show examples
 achievable.
Therefore
, many measures are vitally important to be established to make a rebound for local
shops
. To start with the government ,
its
Replace the word
it's
it is
show examples
 essential to support these
shops
 by reducing taxes and
try
Wrong verb form
trying
show examples
 to remove restrictions.
Additionally
, rich people may help by providing donations for start-ups.
Furthermore
, social media can be used as a marketing campaign.
For example
, citizens could support these markets by using Facebook or Instagram and reviewing local
products
.
To conclude
,
while
 large store chains and
on-line
Correct your spelling
online
show examples
shops
 provide a wide range of
products
 that achieve satisfaction,
but
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
show examples
 in negative sides in the community, so
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 and citizens need to focus
to solve
Change preposition
on solving
show examples
this
 problem to save their identity.
Submitted by amrmohsen12 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure your essay has a clear logical structure by organizing it into distinct paragraphs: introduction, body paragraphs (each with a single main idea), and conclusion. Make use of a range of cohesive devices but avoid overusing them.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion paragraphs are present but could be more clearly defined. Work on creating a strong thesis statement and a final thought that effectively summarize your main points and stance.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with clearer, more specific examples and data where possible. Strive to ensure that each paragraph elaborates on a single aspect of the topic, and use examples to illustrate your points more vividly.
task achievement
Address all parts of the task by providing a more complete response to the prompt. Ensure that all aspects of the question are covered and fully developed in your ideas and examples.
task achievement
Make sure your ideas are not only clear but comprehensive and well-developed. Expand on your thoughts with more depth and support to fully flesh out your argument.
task achievement
Utilize more relevant and specific examples from real life or hypothetical situations to add depth to your essay. Avoid generalizations and strive to provide evidence or anecdotes that directly support your claims.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: