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Band 5

Some people think that the government should provide assistance to all kind of artists, including painters, musicians and poets. However, other people think that this a waste of money. Discuss both view and give your own opinion.

#people #government #assistance #artists #painters #musicians #poets #waste #money
The investment of
government’s
Change noun form
government
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fund
Fix the agreement mistake
funds
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 to artists or other aspects is a matter
for
Change preposition
of
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 debate. When supporters suppose authorities ought to offer support to
people
 who engage in industries that are based on
art
.
However
, opponents reckon that money should be poured into other fields. Personally, there are several reasons and
instance
Fix the agreement mistake
instances
show examples
 as follows supporting my view. Supporters of providing assistance to
art
Correct article usage
the art
show examples
 field argue that an increasing number of artworks need
protecting
Replace the word
protection
show examples
 and
developing
Replace the word
development
show examples
. Providing help to
art
 will attract more
people
 and create many job opportunities. What’s more,
this
 would give
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
 a sense of happiness.
On the other hand
, other
people
 believe that other domains,
such
 as
medical
Correct article usage
the medical
show examples
 system and
educational
Replace the word
education
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, are
vital
Correct quantifier usage
more vital
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 than using money in
art
 because residents cannot bear the pressure of education and
medical
Replace the word
medicine
show examples
due to
 lower salaries and
without
Change preposition
apply
show examples
medical insurance in some developing nations. If the government
financial
Replace the word
finances
show examples
 them, they no longer worry about the fees when they are ill. In my opinion, whether a country should provide assistance access to all sorts of artists depends on its
financial
Replace the word
finances
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 and
nation’s
Correct article usage
the nation’s
show examples
 culture. Developed nations typically have accumulated substantial funds, technologies, and experience, allowing them to provide expertise for them without stress. On the flip side, the developing world, struggling with limited resources, may have no substitute but to
priorities
Replace the word
prioritise
show examples
 other areas
such
 as infrastructure development and job creation
instead
. In conclusion,
while
 publicly funded access to healthcare and education can have many benefits, it may not be suitable for all countries. Ultimately, the decision should be made based on the unique priorities and available resources of each nation.
Submitted by 马修827728 on

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task achievement
Ensure that your essay directly addresses all parts of the task by providing a clear position throughout the response. Your essay drifts slightly from providing specific arguments to a more general discussion without fully developing the points with relevant examples.
coherence cohesion
Work to enhance the logical flow of your ideas. The essay has a decent structure, but the development of some points could be improved. Using a variety of cohesive devices accurately will strengthen your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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