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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In some countries, the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

#countries #weight #people #levels #health #fitness #measures
It is true that an increasing number of
people
, especially
those
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
youngsters, are facing the problem that their average weight is rising and the relevant severe health problems appear. In
this
 essay, it will highlight several explanations for
this
 occurrence and propose a range of feasible solutions. Why are
people
 getting more weight and a variety of health problems in some nations nowadays? First of all, a large quantity of
people
migrates
Correct subject-verb agreement
migrate
show examples
 to the city centre from rural areas because of high income. These
people
 are always required to work overtime by their employers, which means they do not have extra
time
 to cook themselves so
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they have to call the fast food, which contains high oil, sugar, and salt.
In addition
, there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 a lot of entertainment,
such
 as mobile phones, computer games, and TV series in
contemporary
Add an article
a contemporary
show examples
 technological society.
Peoplecommunity
Correct your spelling
Community
 are often attracted by these things and stay up late to release pressure resulting in an irregular sleeping timetable.
Therefore
, they are more likely to infect cardiovascular and mental diseases. Several measures can be taken to mitigate the above-mentioned problems. First and foremost, the authorities have the responsibility to formulate related policies to ensure those employees have enough
time
 to rest. At the same
time
, companies can provide employees with staff canteens that include various kinds of healthy food. In the second place, apart from making
time
 restrictions by
people
 themselves, they can
also
 use other methods to entertain.
For instance
,
people
 could go to the gym to build their muscles or just run
instead
.
Submitted by 马修827728 on

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introduction conclusion present
Your essay fails to present a clear introduction and conclusion. Remember that the introduction should include a restatement of the topic along with a clear outline of what will be discussed. The conclusion should summarize the main points and restate your position or solution clearly.
logical structure
While the essay presents a logical sequence of ideas, the organization could be improved. Consider using more cohesive devices and clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader through your points more effectively. Making your paragraphing decisions clearer will also enhance the logical structure of your essay.
supported main points
Each main point you mention should be expanded with specific examples and further explanation to fully develop your argument and support your reasons. Avoid making general statements without backing them up with specific details.
clear comprehensive ideas
You addressed the task and provided both causes and solutions. However, to achieve a higher band, expand your ideas more thoroughly and avoid general statements. Make sure each point you make is developed fully with explanations and examples.
relevant specific examples
You did provide relevant examples to some extent, but these were quite general and could be more detailed. Use more specific examples that are directly related to the issue being discussed to demonstrate a clear understanding and to help support your points effectively.
complete response
The response to the task requirements is sufficient, but to improve, remember that every part of the task should be well-represented in your essay. You have included causes and measures, but make sure they are equally developed and more comprehensively explored.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • physical activity
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • exercise
  • unhealthy diet
  • fast food
  • urbanization
  • modernization
  • stress
  • awareness
  • education
  • government intervention
  • policies
  • promotion
  • sports
  • fitness programs
  • health education
  • taxation
  • public transportation
  • infrastructure
  • parks
  • recreational spaces
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