IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#governments #progress #people #country
Troughout
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Throughout
 history, the importance of a wealthy nation has always been a
prority
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priority
 for the leaders. Many officials believe that
Correct article usage
the finantial
show examples
finantial
Correct your spelling
financial
 form of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
development is the most valuable type of promotion in a
country
.
While
 some individuals argue that other types of progress should be considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
equal to the former. I,
however
, agree with the second opinion as it contributes to a
country
's growth in all aspects. To commence with, there is no denying
fact
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the fact
show examples
 that
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an economical
show examples
economical
Replace the word
economic
show examples
 boom is one of the most important factors in a
country
's development.
In other words
, if economic prosperity is low and
the
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apply
show examples
inflation is high, the citizens would not
fulfill
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fulfil
show examples
thei
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their
the
 desires in
such
society
Correct article usage
a society
show examples
. To exemplify, consider a
country
 where the authority's functioning in
controling
Correct your spelling
controlling
 the
economical
Replace the word
economic
show examples
 and
poilitical
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political
 issues is weak and not sufficient. In
such
country
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a country
show examples
, residents would face a myriad of serious difficulties like skyrocketing inflation, strict sanctions from other countries and insignificant
sum
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sums
show examples
 of
employers
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employers'
employer's
show examples
 wages and so forth.
Thus
, settlers in
such
nation
Correct article usage
a nation
show examples
 would not feel accomplishment and growth.
Furthermore
, people have no other choice but to endure the
circumstance
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circumstances
show examples
 or to migrate
in
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to
show examples
 a foreign
country
 to find
job
Add an article
a job
show examples
.
On the contrary
, some individuals recommend that other forms of progress are quintessential as
econimics
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economics
.
For instance
, social
advencement
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advancement
 is an undeniable necessity of the modern-day world. If does not
highten
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happen
 as fast as financial advancements, the results would be catastrophic for
the
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apply
show examples
society. To illustrate an example, Japan has the
worlds
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world's
show examples
 highest economic progress rate,
however
, it does not match
with
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apply
show examples
the number of efforts
in
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apply
show examples
the
benefits
Wrong verb form
benefit
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of
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apply
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the community's spiritual needs.
Consequently
, it has one of the highest rates of adolescents
commiting
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committing
suicied
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suicide
 in the world. In conclusion, it is irrefutable that economic growth is a crucial aim that governments need to consider for the
benefits
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benefit
show examples
 of their nations,
however
, I ponder that other factors
such
 as education, culture and
social
Replace the word
society
show examples
 are
important
Rephrase
as important
show examples
 as economics.
Submitted by sarina.chenare78 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure there is a clear progression throughout the essay. While there is a certain level of logical structure, some of your paragraphs could be more explicitly connected. Use cohesive devices, such as 'furthermore' or 'in contrast', to better structure your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph should ideally provide clear and distinct main points supported by specific examples. This essay lacks some development in the examples provided, which are somewhat general and not fully explored to demonstrate the points made.
task achievement
Although you have generally addressed the task, at times your response lacks depth. Elaborate more effectively on the significant perspectives of both sides of the argument and be sure to fully explain your own viewpoint with clear comprehensive ideas.
task achievement
While some relevant examples are given, it would be beneficial to provide more specific and varied illustrations to support your argument. Aim to use real-world examples and statistics that can buttress your points and add to the persuasive element of your essay.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • standard of living
  • sustainable development
  • social equality
  • environmental degradation
  • cultural heritage
  • technological innovation
  • wealth disparity
  • human development index
  • holistic approach
  • quality of life
  • economic prosperity
  • healthcare system
  • education system
  • cultural diversity
  • policy decisions
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