IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Nowadays the diferent between countries are becoming less evident because people follow the same media. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages.

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It is argued that following the similar media between the different nations is becoming less conspicuous. Notwithstanding, the culture will be assimilated apart, and
this
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 tendency has many more positives. The problem stems from the various
countries
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 watching the same channel,
this
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 leads to easy to absorb cultural assimilation and loss the cultural identity.
For example
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, young
people
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 will imitate the clothing styles of the Western
countries
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 or in making up, gradually the preserve of national customs will be disappeared. If it happens for a long time,
this
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 problem might be difficult to ignore.
Therefore
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,
people
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 especially youngsters should raise their awareness and always respect protecting the national cultural identity.
Although
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 attached to the drawbacks of
this
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 issue,
in contrast
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, the benefits have far more. On the one hand, individuals will accumulate better
information
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, avoiding distorted
information
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, and causing confusion.
For instance
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, in the combat between Russia and Ukraine, there is many real and unreal news about
this
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 war, as the result of too many media platforms giving thousands of news every day.
Consequently
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,
People
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 don’t know how to get true
information
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 and are spun around fake and true things. If following the same platform, they will gain more trust about issues happening around them, and support their belief in life.
On the other hand
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, there are many of useful knowledge that
people
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 in these
countries
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 can learn from that similar channel. Healthcare and medical help for daily life will be updated and shared commonly,
therefore
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people
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 can welcome much helpful
information
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 to take care of themselves through learning innovative medical knowledge of the Western
countries
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 or developed
countries
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. There are some benefits and drawbacks of watching the same media,
nevertheless
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, gaining many good sharing
information
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 will bring for individuals the advantages more than disadvantages of losing identity if
people
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 can keep their national pride and raise their awareness.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a structure, but it needs clearer organization. Use paragraphs effectively to separate your ideas, and try to present a clear topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph that indicates what the paragraph will be about. This will make your argument easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
While you have presented an introduction and conclusion, they could be stronger and more distinct. The introduction should clearly state the topic and your opinion (if the task is an argumentative essay). The conclusion should effectively summarize the main points without introducing new arguments or information.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points. The examples should be relevant and clearly connected to the main argument. You've mentioned an instance regarding fashion influence and the Russia-Ukraine conflict, but these could be expanded upon with more detail and direct relevance to the question.
task achievement
Ensure your essay fully responds to all parts of the task. The topic asks you to discuss whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, and while you've stated that they do, your essay should more directly compare and contrast these elements throughout, rather than just in the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, consider using linking words and phrases to connect ideas more smoothly. Transition signals can guide the reader through your discussion, making the relationship between sentences and paragraphs clear.
task achievement
Remember to directly address the prompt throughout your essay. It should guide your examples and explanations. For instance, when discussing media influence, connect it back to the prompt by considering how the prevalence of similar media affects the erasure or preservation of cultural differences and whether this is advantageous or not.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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