IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people argue that the best way to become successful in life is to get a university education. Others disagree with it and reckon that nowadays it is no longer true. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #life #university #education
While
 the accomplishments of
university
education
 become an essential issue for future occupations, which can bring a successful life, a more modern style of entrepreneurship breaks the rule between undergraduates and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
graduates. A certificate might dominate an adolescent, but
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 there any other ways for us to become successful? There has been much concern about getting into
an
Change the article
a
show examples
university
, which can provide
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
immense satisfaction for academic progress. The
university
 cultivates teenagers for excellence in subjects
such
 as Geography, Arts and History. The wider the learning experience, the more the receptivity for most of the companies.
In addition
, the intensive studying for a subject keeps the students with curiosity and enthusiasm. By
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
coming out of elites and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
striking for outstanding results, learns who gained more knowledge
proves
Wrong verb form
proved
show examples
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 determination
for being
Change preposition
to be
show examples
 a worker and
entrepreneur
Fix the agreement mistake
entrepreneurs
show examples
. It’s
undeniably
Change the word
undeniable
show examples
 that a higher
level
 of learning progress is a significant issue for us to work, especially by comparing with the low
education
level
 achievers. Despite
university
 is crucial for undergraduates to get a job, more and more of them have turned themselves into entrepreneurs with none of any
university
education
, which becomes a critical effort for the argument. It is believed that newbies are required for working experience.
For instance
, streaming and video editing, which is no high
education
level
 needed.
Nevertheless
, recent statistics suggest that over 50% of entrepreneurs did not participate in any
university
 progress. Yet, not everything is plain sailing. Teenagers who want to have
successful
Add an article
a successful
show examples
 experience
by
Change preposition
in
show examples
 entrepreneurship need to undertake the risk of failure, which is extremely detrimental to their mental health with none of the support. They might get down easily with little achievement or
being
Wrong verb form
be
show examples
 frustrated
since
Change preposition
by
show examples
 the immense
competitions
Fix the agreement mistake
competition
show examples
 between other companies.
Although
 entrepreneurship
is being
Wrong verb form
has been
show examples
 heated recently,
university
education
 is still a perfect and suitable way for students and teenagers to work. It is highly suggested that a higher
level
 of
education
 can lead to a more sustainable and successful life.
Submitted by 3199512471 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Introduction
Ensure that the introduction clearly presents the topic and outlines the structure of the essay.
Coherence
Use a variety of linking words to create better flow between sentences and paragraphs.
Content Development
Develop your main points fully with specific examples to support your arguments.
Conclusion
Make sure your opinion is presented clearly in the introduction and conclusion for a stronger impact.
Task Response
Address all parts of the prompt and ensure that both views are discussed equally and your own opinion is clear.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: