Some people believe that our happiness depends on how much money we have. Others say that money cannot buy happiness. Do you think that having money is the key to happiness, or are there more important factors?
In the contemporary epoch, certain individuals hold a point of view that happiness relies on how wealthy we are. Meanwhile, others believe that money does not determine our contentment. In my opinion, I completely agree with the first statement because materials have a pivotal role in our lives since they can give us daily pleasure.
To begin
with, nowadays to possess things such
as food, clothes, and medical we have to have money. Moreover
, without a penny, we can not provide an adequate living for ourselves as well as
for our loved ones. For instance
, the prices for education and housing property these days are unreasonable. As a result
, assets play a major role in everybody's livelihood in order to accomplish an infinite level of bliss.
Furthermore
, if we have already fulfilled basic needs then
we can invest in luxury goods that include vehicles, expensive bags, and brand-name goods. Therefore
, we can save up for prolonged finances and acquire stability in the golden age. For example
, Bill Gates is a billionaire who founded Microsoft. His present life is affluence and comfortable with the smartest house in the world, monumental private aircraft, and massive supercar collection.
In a nutshell, I supported the idea that people needed a lot of funds to survive and find their felicity. Therefore
, they should work hard to gain success because it is a long process. However
, soon, when you are success
, do not forget the person who supported you through the whole obstacles.Replace the word
successful
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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, fully developed main points, and a conclusion that summarizes your perspective. Your introduction was clear, but the main points and conclusion could be more fully developed and articulated.
coherence cohesion
Work on creating a more logical flow throughout the essay by using a range of cohesive devices and organizing thoughts more clearly. The structure of your essay shows potential but it could benefit from more varied sentence structures and a clearer connection between ideas.
coherence cohesion
Expand on and support your main points more comprehensively. Your essay included some relevant examples, but the ideas could be supported and explained in more depth for a stronger argument.
task achievement
Ensure your response answers all parts of the prompt fully and that your position is clear throughout the essay. While you did address the prompt, there is room for a deeper exploration of your viewpoint to fully satisfy task achievement.
task achievement
Clarify and expand on your ideas to provide a more comprehensive argument. Work on the depth of your argumentation to ensure a clear and comprehensive presentation of your ideas.
task achievement
Include more specific and well-developed examples to strengthen your argument. You have provided some relevant examples, but additional and more detailed examples could enhance your response further.
Word Count
IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.
A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.
Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.