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Band 6

Prison is the common way most countries try to solve the problem of crime. However, a more effective solution is to provide the public a better education. To what extent do you agree or disagree? (OPINION ESSAY)

#prison #countries #crime #education
In recent years, there has been a tremendous increase in the number of individuals questioning the approach used to deal with criminals.
While
 some strongly disagree, I firmly believe that providing a better
education
 will reduce the crime
rate
. From my perspective, improving the
education
system
, not only guarantees a more secure society
,
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 but
also
 bridges the gap between rich and poor.
To begin
, there is an argument to be made that a country's safety depends on the quality of public
education
.
For example
, in Finland, the crime
rate
 does not exceed 5% annually
due to
 their
education
system
 that concentrates on combating any criminal activities.
For
this
 reason, it is evident that improving
education
 creates more coherence within the
system
 and increases the understanding between
people
. What is more, it ensures
people
 learn about morals and the consequences of behaving wrongly, so they are more aware of the punishment.
This
 being the case, it can be assumed that
if
Correct word choice
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an effective plan to reform the
education
system
, would establish common grounds to hinder any possibility of breaking the law in the country.
In addition
, it must be stated that delivering
education
 to a wider range number of the population, means the financial stability of individuals is secured.
For instance
, the poverty line in Canada does not surpass 10% because of the high
rate
 of educated
people
 in the country.
Therefore
,
it is clear that
further
education
 advancement drops the unemployment
rate
 and encourages
people
 to join different job fields.
Furthermore
, the poverty
rate
 would decrease, because
people
 would make enough money to have a stable life. With
this
 in mind, there is no doubt that if the proportion of educated
people
 rises,
this
 would boost the socioeconomic status of the
overall
 society.
To conclude
, the overwhelming evidence seems to suggest that enhancing the
education
system
 targets public needs by providing financial stability, which
as a result
 ensures a lower
rate
 of crimes.
Submitted by ototonji.ot on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your introduction and conclusion are clearly distinguishable and encapsulate your key arguments effectively. It's important for the introduction to preview the topics you will discuss, and the conclusion should summarize the main points without repeating them verbatim.
coherence cohesion
Develop your paragraphs with a clear and logical structure. Each paragraph should contain one main idea supported by relevant details and examples. Transitions should be smooth and logical, helping to guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
For a higher score, ensure that every part of the task is addressed more completely. The introduction sets up the essay's argument but could encompass a more specific thesis statement. Similarly, the conclusion could better reflect on the arguments made throughout the essay, providing a final comment that reinforces your standpoint.
task achievement
Give clear, comprehensive responses to the essay prompt by fully developing your arguments. Your main points are relevant, but they can be expanded with further explanation and a deeper analysis of the issues. Avoid general statements and focus more closely on how education addresses specific criminal issues.
task achievement
Include relevant and specific examples to support your main points; this has been done well, particularly with the reference to Finland and Canada. Ensure that these examples are fully integrated into your argument, explaining how they illustrate the point you're making effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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