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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Excessive sugar consumption causes many diseases. Some people think that it is the government responsibility to limit people’s sugar consumption while others think that it is the individual’s responsibility to limit the amount of sugar they eat. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#sugar #consumption #diseases #people #government #responsibility #limit #people’s #individual’s #amount
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Excessive amount of
sugar
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consumption
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 causes various diseases. Some
people
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 believe that it is the
responsibility
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 of the
government
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 to
limit
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sugar
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consumption
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 by the public
while
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 others believe that it is the
responsibility
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 of
individuals
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 to
limit
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 their
sugar
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consumption
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. I personally believe that
while
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 minimizing
sugar
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consumption
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 by
individuals
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 is beneficial for their well-being, the
government
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 can take effective measures to control
sugar
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consumption
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. Minimizing
sugar
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consumption
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 by
individuals
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 is good for their well-being. If
people
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limit
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 their
consumption
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 of
sugar
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 by their personal choices, their health will be improved, and they will not suffer from diseases caused by excessive
sugar
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consumption
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.
For example
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,
people
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 in Australia are health conscious of their choices, and they
limit
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 their
sugar
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consumption
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 after their 30s.
This
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 practice helps them to stay away from diabetes and other diseases.
However
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, I believe that limiting
sugar
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consumption
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 individually is not an effective solution. The
government
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 can take effective measures to control
sugar
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consumption
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 in a country. The
government
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 can decide how much
sugar
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-contained food will be available in the market, and how much costs have to pay for them. If the
government
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 controls that,
people
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 cannot buy
sugar
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-containing food.
For instance
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, the
government
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 of Bangladesh has decided how much
sugar
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-contained food will be manufactured in a year and how much
costs
Correct article usage
the costs
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those
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will be. It helps to minimize
sugar
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consumption
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 of the general public.
Therefore
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, I personally believe that only the
government
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 should take
responsibility
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 for minimizing
sugar
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consumption
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. In conclusion, I believe that it is the
responsibility
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 of the
government
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 to minimize
sugar
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consumption
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 of the public.
Individuals
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 can make personal decisions not to consume excessive
sugar
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, but that will not be very effective.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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specific examples
Develop additional specific examples to enhance your arguments, particularly for the section about individual responsibility for sugar consumption.
cohesion
Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs, which can further improve the flow and coherence of your essay.
introduction conclusion
Clear introduction and conclusion paragraphs that provide a strong structure to the essay.
logical structure
Each viewpoint is well-discussed with logical reasoning.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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