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Band 6

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
In
this
 era, a smartphone is one of the easiest
tools
 for
children
 to get information. There are many reasons why
children
 spend most of their
time
 every day on their
smartphones
 and how the situation affects their development. In
this
 essay, I will explain how and why with the instances. Some
children
 pay more attention to their
smartphones
 every day because they are very curious about
this
 world and
smartphones
 could answer their questions. They can watch videos on YouTube, read books online, play games, and learn languages too.
Smartphones
 are the easiest access and the cheapest
tools
 which provide any information. For
parents
,
smartphones
 are alternative
tools
 to make
children
 stay calm, so
parents
 can finish their work.
For example
, if
children
 cry so much
while
parents
 have to cook,
parents
 can give their
smartphones
 to
children
. So
children
 will stop crying and
parents
 can focus on finishing their job. In my opinion,
children
 need to develop their cognitive and social skills. If they spend more
time
 only on
smartphones
, they will lose their
time
 for socialization and developing their cognitive skills.
For instance
, at a younger age, they have to use eyeglasses and their motoric development can be affected because of the radiation from
smartphones
. The
time
 should give
children
 new experiences if they use it for socialization and exploring the world. In conclusion,
smartphones
 are superb
tools
 for
children
 to get information about
this
 world.
However
, spending hours every day will
give
Verb problem
have
show examples
 them bad impact on cognitive and social skills.
Parents
 can allow
children
 to access
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
smartphones
 but should control the
time
 and content.
Submitted by jehanboo on

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task achievement
Ensure to develop main points with specific examples. The essay provided a general overview but lacked specific and convincing examples to reinforce the arguments.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow by ensuring each paragraph clearly follows from the one before with appropriate use of linking words. While the essay had a basic structure, it needs to employ more cohesive devices effectively.
task achievement
Present both sides of the argument evenly. There is a tendency to focus more on the negative aspects; balance is key to a well-rounded essay.
coherence cohesion
Avoid repetitive phrases and look to enhance lexical resource through varied vocabulary and complex sentence structures.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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