IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Some
individuals
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 believe that authorities should prioritize declining environmental
pollution
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 and housing issues to protect their communities from diseases. I strongly agree with
this
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 statement because declining
pollution
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 like tackling deforestation and decreasing the price of
houses
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 can be an effective way to reduce illnesses.
Firstly
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, governments should concentrate more on decreasing environmental
pollution
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 to protect people's health by passing some laws.
For example
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, if deforestation is prohibited by specific companies,
such
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 as loggers and commercial companies, greenhouse gases will be absorbed by trees which can have a direct effect on decreasing temperature, so heatstroke may not happen frequently.
Secondly
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, reducing the usage of fossil fuels brings a lot of benefits for
individuals
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 to not become sick easily.
For instance
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, if the amount of CO2 gas emission falls by using fewer vehicles that work based on fossil fuels, the air quality index will go down, so most of the community would not acquire diseases,
such
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 as asthma or heart problems.
In addition
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, having
houses
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 can have a significant impact on people's health, especially mentally,
while
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 many
individuals
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 who cannot afford to buy
houses
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 because they are mostly too expensive are more likely to struggle with different problems,
such
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 as anger and depression. In
this
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 case, governments play a significant role in making some plans, like increasing the number of buildings and apartments that can be effective for communities.
In particular
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, if mayors prepare some practical plans for building more apartments in many sections of cities, namely suburbs and other residential areas, house prices will go down as much as possible.
As a result
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, the more
individuals
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 buy
houses
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, the less mental disease they will contract. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 it seems to concentrate on decreasing the amount of
pollution
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 and having some plan for building more
houses
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 are good solutions that can be done by governments, most communities may not struggle with many types of diseases.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear and cohesive structure, with well-defined paragraphs that logically lead the reader from one point to the next. Make effective use of a range of cohesive devices and topic sentences to guide the reader.
coherence cohesion
While your introduction and conclusion are present and generally well-formed, strive to create a stronger thesis statement and a more impactful final summary that reinforces your stance on the topic.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea, supported by relevant details and examples. Expand on your examples to clearly illustrate your points, and develop your arguments further for greater clarity and depth.
task achievement
Address all parts of the task prompt comprehensively, ensuring that your position is relevant and clear throughout the essay. Make sure to cover the full scope of the question's statement and provide a balanced discussion that aligns with your thesis.
task achievement
Work on structuring your ideas clearly and comprehensively. Your ideas should flow naturally and coherently, building upon each other to create a more convincing argument in favor of your viewpoint.
task achievement
Use specific examples that are directly related to the argument at hand and elaborate on these to demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic. Avoid being too general or vague in your examples to strengthen the overall task achievement.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • environmental regulations
  • respiratory diseases
  • public health policies
  • sanitation facilities
  • urban planning
  • communicable diseases
  • socio-economic factors
  • sustainable development
  • government intervention
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • industrial emissions
  • air quality index
  • affordable housing
  • mental wellbeing
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