IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this case? Do you think this iş a positive or negatife development

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There is an ever-growing perception nowadays that some
children
Use synonyms
 are glued to their
smartphones
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, The main Contributor to
this
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 behaviour is the
parents
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, because
children
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 usually mimic their fathers' actions, and I believe that
this
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 phenomenon is an absolute, negative development.
Firstly
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, I would like to highlight the cause of
this
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 problem
This
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 ;in my opinion; is
Parents
Use synonyms
' behaviour, It is easily seen by everyone that we all nowadays tend to waste our time on mobile Phone applications like Facebook, Twitter and other social media apps which in turn reflects on our offspring who likely do the same. To illustrate I would prefer to reveal the conclusion of a Survey which said that 100 per cent of
children
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 do the
Same
Fix capitalization
same
show examples
 things as their
Parents
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.
Secondly
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, of course,
smartphones
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 have various advantages, but those advantages are uncomparable to disadvantages,
In other words
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,
smartphones
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 help
children
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 to develop their abilities, but
on the other hand
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, they have made
children
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's life more sedentary with much low
physial
Correct your spelling
physical
 activities that lead to not only detrimental effects on youngsters' well-being
such
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 as obesity and diabetes but
also
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 affects their mental
fitnes
Correct your spelling
fitness
 as
this
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 reduces blood supply to the brain. Looking
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the past before
smartphones
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 were introduced, a study revealed that
children
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 were three times more active than kids nowadays, so it is advisable to cease these practices.
To conclude
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,
children
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 nowadays are addicted deeply to their
smartphones
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 mainly because they, tend to duplicate their
parents
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' doings,
this
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 is bad for their mental and physical health, but if they stopped these bad practices their health would ameliorate.

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Task Achievement
Ensure that your introduction clearly states the topic and your position regarding the positive or negative impact of smartphone usage, in order to present a focused argument throughout the essay.
Task Achievement
Provide a more balanced argument with specific examples to support your points, especially when discussing both sides of the argument (positive and negative impacts of smartphone use on children).
Coherence and Cohesion
Organize your essay into clear paragraphs with topic sentences that signal the main idea of each paragraph, ensuring logical flow of information.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your conclusion should summarise the main points of your essay clearly, restating your position in a compelling manner that reflects the arguments made throughout your essay.

Structure your answers in logical paragraphs

The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.

A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).

Stick to this essay structure:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

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