Nowadays, the increasing number of schools in Vietnam are facing with the alarming issue, school violence. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

In
the
Correct article usage
apply
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recent years, there has been a noticeable trend where
violence
is becoming an alarming phenomenon in a large number of
schools
in Vietnam.
This
issue calls for
resonably
Correct your spelling
reasonably
explained causes and immediate remedies to alleviate the problem. There are two major aspects that lead to greater
violence
. First and foremost, the increasing number of violent
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
on the Internet attracts lots of
students
. The advances in technology make it more effortless for young
students
to find and enjoy these types of channels these days, which may have affected their ways of
behaviors
Replace the word
behaving
show examples
violently and aggressively.
For instance
, action movies or fighting games encourage the competence and battle spirit among
students
, which may translate into real-life ambition and the
needs
Fix the agreement mistake
need
show examples
to battle and fight for achievement in real life.
Moreover
, lack of politeness and respect in
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
is another important cause. To explain,
students
who find themselves
being
Verb problem
apply
show examples
in
higher
Add an article
a higher
show examples
class than others have a tendency to look down on other classmates and make use of physical strength to be dominant. These
students
often spread
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
show examples
atmosphere and
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
full of hatred or jealousy when seeing an exceptional student;
therefore
, they will bully
this
student to feel satisfied. Fortunately, we have come up with some measures to address
this
issue. One of the most vital roles belongs to the care
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
schools
and parents. Both of them should work together so as to keep the student’s usage of social platforms under control. In
this
way,
students
are able to be exposed to useful
programmeswithout
Correct your spelling
programmes without
programme without
worrying about the threat from negative ones.
Furthermore
, education on emotional responses and polite
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
ought to be advocated among
schools
, so that
students
will understand the limitations of their anger and know how to control
tehir
Correct your spelling
their
temper rightly.
As a result
,
this
enables all
students
to act respectively when having arguments with
classmatesand
Correct your spelling
classmates and
classmates
work out a way to maintain the relationship without
violence
. In conclusion, the causes of dramatic school
violence
consist of two main sites: the growth in violent
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
and lack of respect in communication. It is recommended that
schools
and parents should cooperate to improve the cyber environment for their
childrenand
Correct your spelling
children and
place great value on
mentaleducation
Correct your spelling
mental education
dental education
and
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
.
Submitted by loanavnbk on

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introduction conclusion present
You have addressed the topic with an appropriate introduction and conclusion, which aids in creating a complete framework for your essay. However, for a higher score, consider providing a more explicit thesis statement that clearly outlines the causes and solutions you will discuss.
logical structure
You have organized your ideas into paragraphs, which is good. However, the logical flow between ideas and paragraphs can be improved by using a wider range of linking words and phrases to better signal the relationship between ideas.
supported main points
You have provided main points that are relevant to the prompt. To strengthen your arguments, consider developing your ideas further with more detailed explanations and a wider range of complex sentence structures.
complete response
You gave a complete response to the prompt, but there is room for improvement in exploring the task more deeply. For a higher score, ensure that all parts of the task are fully developed and substantiated with more specific details and examples.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your essay provides clear ideas, but to achieve a higher score, you would benefit from developing your ideas more comprehensively. This can be done by delving deeper into the causes and the implications of these causes, as well as expanding on the proposed solutions with concrete examples or evidence of their effectiveness.
relevant specific examples
While you have included relevant examples, try to give more specific and varied instances that directly support your arguments. This will enhance the persuasiveness of your essay and show the examiner you can provide concrete evidence to back up your points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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