IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Nowadays celebrities earn more money than politicians. What are the reasons for this? Is it a positive or negative development?

#celebrities #money #politicians #development
In contemporary society, some careers
such
 as celebrities, politicians, and authorities can produce a
lot
 of earnings because they dedicate themselves to their
work
 or hard
work
 every day. Nowadays;
however
, almost all superstars can earn more money than lawmakers.
This
 essay will discuss some of the positive and negative effects, and give a reason which makes it possible to happen.
To begin
 with, there are several reasons why the income of famous people is greater than legislators. One of the important reasons is superstars are beneficial to the countries better than lawmakers can ;
in other words
, these jobs can generate payments for the nations.
For example
, when actors promote merchandise which is unique to the nation,
this
 country receives interest from other regions and can earn a
lot
 of earnings.
Moreover
,
while
 lawmakers
work
 on the backside of communities, stars
work
 in front of people that they may obtain exceed street.
As a result
, stars deserve earnings more than legislators. To follow with, Is it a positive or negative development? In my view, I strongly agree that it is advantageous. It is obvious that
although
 superstars earn a
lot
 of salary, they
also
 can produce a
lot
 of cash.
In contrast
, individuals who
work
 in politics can not afford cash which is equal to stars.
Consequently
, the government should increase income for famous individuals in order to provide many advantages. In conclusion, careers like actors or idols should take payments better than other jobs like committees so that it can bring about an increase in economic or other benefits.
Submitted by champperkhu on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The essay partially addresses the questions presented in the task, but the response lacks sufficient development of ideas. Further elaboration on the reasons behind the earnings difference between celebrities and politicians is needed, along with more specific examples to support the claims made.
coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates an attempt at organizing thoughts, with a basic structure including an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow between ideas is somewhat disrupted by unclear transitions and incomplete argument development. Consistently clear topic sentences and better use of linking words could enhance coherence.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: