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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

All eduction and health care should be funded by the government and free for everyone. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

#eduction #health #care #government
A significant number of people out there hold the perception that schools
as well as
 healthcare delivery should be supported by the state and should be accessible to everyone without any charge.
This
 essay shall vehemently endorse
this
 development and will
further
 bring to bear the reasons for
this
 occurrence in the following paragraphs after which a logical conclusion will be drawn.
To begin
 with, there are a myriad of reasons why
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should be fully responsible
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 funding not only
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
education but
also
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
health but one which is worth mentioning is that it will
dwindle
Verb problem
reduce
show examples
Correct article usage
the deaths
show examples
deaths
Change the noun form
death
show examples
 rate. Because some people do not have money to seek
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
medical care in accredited hospitals, they end up attending
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
unqualified physicians
as a result
, their conditions become more complicated. A plethora of people have now developed
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
end stage
Add a hyphen
end-stage
show examples
 diseases
such
 as kidney
as well as
 heart failure because of lack of funds which put them to seek
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
unprofessional doctors
hence
 leading to
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
 death ratio.
However
, if the state
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
 accessing a medical
check up
Correct your spelling
checkup
show examples
 free, a lot of
individual
Change to a plural noun
individuals
show examples
 will develop the habit of visiting
such
 places which will
subsequently
 decrease immortality.
For instance
, the Ministry of Health in Ghana conducted
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
research and figured out that seventy per cent of immortality is
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a result of
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of revenue to seek
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
proper medical
check up
Correct your spelling
check-ups
show examples
.
Moreover
, supporting education and making it free will reduce
crime
Add an article
the crime
show examples
 rate. If a country
allow
Change the verb form
allows
show examples
 its youth to
enroll
Change the spelling
enrol
show examples
 in schools without any charge,
then
 undoubtedly it will increase the number of youngsters in schooling thereby reducing folk from unscrupulous activities
such
 as armed robbery and prostitution. To explain
this
 scenario, Ghana was battling with
high
Add an article
a high
the high
show examples
 rate of crime a decade ago,
by contrast
 after implementing free senior high education, its crime has reduced because a lot of the youth have
involved
Add a missing verb
been involved
show examples
 in it. In view of
this
, Ghana's economy is currently upsurging.
Furthermore
,
crowd
Correct article usage
the crowd
show examples
 become confident when interacting with friends as it helps decline illiteracy. In conclusion, after analyzing
this
 development, I strongly believe that authorities should make access to schools and hospitals free because it helps not only dwindling immortality but
also
prevent
Correct subject-verb agreement
prevents
show examples
 teenagers from unscrupulous activities. In view of
this
, I opine that governments of various countries should establish more
seconday
Correct your spelling
secondary
 institutions
as well as
 hospitals for its citizens.
Submitted by mboadi211 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates some level of control over organizational structures, but there's considerable room for improvement in ensuring that paragraphs flow naturally; paragraphing seems mechanical, with each new idea presented in a new paragraph without skillful transitions to guide the reader. Work on using a range of cohesive devices and paragraphing appropriately so that each idea logically extends from the preceding ones, and ensure your introduction and conclusion are more clearly defined and impactful.
task achievement
You have addressed the question to a fair extent and provided examples to support your arguments. However, the development of ideas is uneven, and some examples could be more directly relevant and detailed. Ensure that the question is fully addressed by exploring all aspects in a balanced way, providing specific and pertinent examples, and by wrapping up your arguments conclusively in your conclusion. This will help in raising your task achievement score.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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