IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#countries #service #men #school #idea #system #women
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It is a well-known law in a lot of countries that when young men reach a certain age, it is mandatory to join the military
service
 after they finish school. The law
also
 applies to young
women
 in some countries. Personally, I think it is a good thing for the young
generation
 to join military
service
 and the countries should adopt the system as the younger
generation
 will learn good life lessons
while
 doing
service
.
To begin
 with, military training is important for both men and
women
, particularly in the war period.
For example
, the people of Ukraine could keep resisting and hold a good defence when the enemies invade because the young
generation
was
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
 equipped with military knowledge and is ready to use that knowledge.
Moreover
, military training can help strengthen physical health
such
 as bodybuilding and physical stamina as these training mainly involve a lot of physical activities.
Women
 can use the physical defence mechanism which they learned from military training when they are faced with crimes like robbery.
To sum up
, it is the duty of every citizen to protect the country when facing crisis and it is necessary for our future
generation
 to have military knowledge and be well equipped. So, having a law which states that young men and
women
 are mandatory to join the military
service
 after they finish their education.
Submitted by laishweyee91 on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear position throughout, addressing the topic well. To elevate your score further, consider developing your argument with a wider range of examples and deeper analysis. This will demonstrate comprehensive engagement with the topic.
coherence cohesion
You've succeeded in creating a cohesive narrative by linking ideas smoothly. For higher scores, introduce more complex sentence structures and varied linking words. This adds sophistication, improving the flow and clarity.
introduction conclusion present
You effectively introduced and concluded your essay, clearly stating your position and summarizing your main points. This structure is commendable and adds to the clarity of your argument.
supported main points
Your essay benefits from relevant examples, such as the reference to Ukraine, which strengthens your argument by providing real-world context.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Compulsory
  • Military service
  • Conscription
  • Patriotism
  • National security
  • Social equality
  • Discipline
  • Physical fitness
  • Life skills
  • Job training
  • Infringement
  • Conscripts
  • Gender equality
  • Mandatory
  • Economy
  • Education system
  • Labor market
  • Civil service
  • Alternative forms
  • Balanced view
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