IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

All eduction and health care should be funded by the government and free for everyone. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

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A significant number of people out there hold the perception that schools
as well as
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 healthcare delivery should be supported by the state and should be accessible to everyone without any charge.
This
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 essay shall vehemently endorse
this
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 development and will
further
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 bring to bear the reasons for
this
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 occurrence in the following paragraphs after which a logical conclusion will be drawn.
To begin
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 with, there are a myriad of reasons why
government
Add an article
the government
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 should be fully responsible
in
Change preposition
for
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 funding not only
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
education but
also
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in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
health but one which is worth mentioning is that it will
dwindle
Verb problem
reduce
show examples
Correct article usage
the deaths
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deaths
Change the noun form
death
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 rate. Because some people do not have money to seek
for
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apply
show examples
medical care in accredited hospitals, they end up attending
to
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apply
show examples
unqualified physicians
as a result
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, their conditions become more complicated. A plethora of people have now developed
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
end stage
Add a hyphen
end-stage
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 diseases
such
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 as kidney
as well as
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 heart failure because of lack of funds which put them to seek
for
Change preposition
apply
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unprofessional doctors
hence
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 leading to
high
Correct article usage
a high
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 death ratio.
However
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, if the state
make
Change the verb form
makes
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 accessing a medical
check up
Correct your spelling
checkup
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 free, a lot of
individual
Change to a plural noun
individuals
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 will develop the habit of visiting
such
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 places which will
subsequently
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 decrease immortality.
For instance
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, the Ministry of Health in Ghana conducted
a
Remove the article
apply
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research and figured out that seventy per cent of immortality is
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as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a result of
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of revenue to seek
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
proper medical
check up
Correct your spelling
check-ups
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.
Moreover
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, supporting education and making it free will reduce
crime
Add an article
the crime
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 rate. If a country
allow
Change the verb form
allows
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 its youth to
enroll
Change the spelling
enrol
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 in schools without any charge,
then
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 undoubtedly it will increase the number of youngsters in schooling thereby reducing folk from unscrupulous activities
such
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 as armed robbery and prostitution. To explain
this
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 scenario, Ghana was battling with
high
Add an article
a high
the high
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 rate of crime a decade ago,
by contrast
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 after implementing free senior high education, its crime has reduced because a lot of the youth have
involved
Add a missing verb
been involved
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 in it. In view of
this
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, Ghana's economy is currently upsurging.
Furthermore
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,
crowd
Correct article usage
the crowd
show examples
 become confident when interacting with friends as it helps decline illiteracy. In conclusion, after analyzing
this
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 development, I strongly believe that authorities should make access to schools and hospitals free because it helps not only dwindling immortality but
also
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prevent
Correct subject-verb agreement
prevents
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 teenagers from unscrupulous activities. In view of
this
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, I opine that governments of various countries should establish more
seconday
Correct your spelling
secondary
 institutions
as well as
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 hospitals for its citizens.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates some level of control over organizational structures, but there's considerable room for improvement in ensuring that paragraphs flow naturally; paragraphing seems mechanical, with each new idea presented in a new paragraph without skillful transitions to guide the reader. Work on using a range of cohesive devices and paragraphing appropriately so that each idea logically extends from the preceding ones, and ensure your introduction and conclusion are more clearly defined and impactful.
task achievement
You have addressed the question to a fair extent and provided examples to support your arguments. However, the development of ideas is uneven, and some examples could be more directly relevant and detailed. Ensure that the question is fully addressed by exploring all aspects in a balanced way, providing specific and pertinent examples, and by wrapping up your arguments conclusively in your conclusion. This will help in raising your task achievement score.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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