IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

The world today is a safer place than it was a hundred years ago, and governments should stop spending large amounts of money on their armed forces. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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The world is a beautiful place to live for people, and nowadays it is safer than it was years ago. As a citizen of the Earth, I tend to agree that politicians should decrease funds spent on military forces and focus on the improvement of technologies and environmental protection. The arguments are illustrated in the following paragraphs with relevant examples.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the safety of the world is felt as engineering sciences go upward and globalization expands. The Internet gives us a tremendous opportunity to travel.
As a result
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, the communities became closer to each other.
For example
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, a person can contact another one in several seconds with the help of the internet, which we could not imagine a hundred years ago.
That is
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 the reason, why governments should allocate money to the growth of applied science, rather than to the army.
Secondly
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, with the sharpening of production, and factories that give us convenient and cosy living on Earth, human beings must think about the environment.
For example
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, there is a fact the Russian Federation spent seventy per cent of its budget on the financing of its combat forces in 2021 rather than dedicating some percentage to nature protection.
Although
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 the state administration may prevent bigger problems connected with climate, they still direct a large portion of the budget to the war support.
To conclude
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, a human being explores almost all the functions to feel safety for the existence of every creature in the world. They need secureness, and political stability, except for first needs like food, shelter and clothing. So, governments should stop spending tremendous amounts of means for war reasons and keep the safety citizens deserve by supporting technology and the environment.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure logical ordering of ideas and clear paragraphing to enhance logical structure. Greater cohesion can be achieved with better use of linking words and phrases.
task achievement
Your response needs to fully address all parts of the task. You should expand on your ideas and provide a precise argument for why governments should shift military funding to other areas, which will complete the task more adequately.
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