Many people believe that every individual is responsible for his/her own healthy lifestyle. Others believe that governments should take care of it. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
There has been much recent policy advocacy related to what the proper role of
governments
in healthcare should be. Although
I believe governments
have begun to treat this
issue with the seriousness it merits, the responsibility for taking care of one’s health
should ultimately rest with individuals
as they are more likely to stick with habits that they themselves have cultivated.
Those who favour strong governmental intervention often point out the role of the state in forming healthy eating habits through early intervention at public schools
. In the United States, the vast majority of students attend state schools
and in recent years the government has been implementing new policies aimed at curbing addiction to unhealthy foods. This
means that they have reduced the total intake of saturated fats in school lunches and drastically cut down on sugar not only in prepared lunches but also
in the ubiquitous vending machines placed around most schools
. In the short term
Add a comma
term,
this
has led to improved health
for students but its true effect will be over the next several decades when these children grow up and are more likely to eschew fast food for the healthier alternatives now opening up to meet the growing demands of an increasingly health
-conscious nation.
While
there are clear benefits to governmental action, individuals
are better at regulating their own behaviour in the long-term
. Correct your spelling
long term
People
have always found ways to get around rules in order to satisfy their most basic desires, including those related to food. No matter what steps governments
take, people
will always crave unhealthy, delicious foods as our brains are hardwired to feel pleasure from saturated fats, carbohydrates, and sugar. For example
, even a country like France, which has imposed strict rules over the food that children are served, is still facing an obesity crises
. Correct the article-noun agreement
crisis
Therefore
the only way for people
to consistently combat poor health
is to develop the
discipline on their own. Correct article usage
apply
Individuals
who make the choice to eat healthier are more likely to stick with this
habit having worked out the reasons for themselves, rather than simply following a rule imposed by their schools
at the behest of the government.
In conclusion, governments
have a large role to play in public health
but only individuals
can take control of their own lives and make decisions that will truly benefit them in the future. In this
case, the best solution is simply no solution. Standing back and allowing people
to become more self-reliant will not only have more long-lasting effects but will also
empower individuals
in various other areas of their life
to be more responsible.Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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introduction & conclusion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion which adequately present the topic and your standpoint. However, ensure that your conclusion integrates all your points effectively, summarizing the discussion cohesively.
logical structure
The logical flow of ideas is visible, but transitions between points can be smoother. Consider using a wider range of cohesive devices to guide the reader more naturally from one idea to the next.
supported main points
The main points in your essay are adequately supported with examples and reasons. To score higher, incorporate more specific examples from credible sources, which can further validate your arguments.
complete response
You have successfully addressed the task and provided a clear opinion. For an even more complete response, consider exploring the given views more evenly and ensure your own opinion is clearly differentiated and well supported.
clear & comprehensive ideas
Your ideas are clear, relevant, and you demonstrate a good understanding of the topic. Aim for depth as well as breadth in developing your points for a higher score in task achievement.
relevant & specific examples
You made an effort to include specific examples; however, including a greater variety of examples would enhance the relevance and persuasiveness of your argument.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite