IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that having childern leads to happiness. Do you think that people who do not have children can find happiness? What other factors in a person's life affect happiness?

#people #childern #happiness #children #factors #person #life
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Many
people
Use synonyms
 gauge that having children leads to joyfulness,
however
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,
this
Linking Words
 can often be very misleading. There are many other factors that can bring
happiness
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, and I think that the most important factor is good
health
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. First of all, all of the
people
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 deserve to be happy and find joy in their life. Having children may be one kind of source of
happiness
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 but actually, our source to become happy is limitless in
this
Linking Words
 life.
People
Use synonyms
 basically can be cheerful just because they
finally
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 be able to talk to their idol, or perhaps they just get accepted for the job.
Therefore
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,
it is clear that
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people
Use synonyms
 who decide to not have a child still be able to be happy but they should have a thing that they love.
However
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, in my opinion, the key factor that leads to
happiness
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 is good
health
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. There are words that claim a healthy person has a lot of things to achieve, but a sick person only needs to be healthy for the achievement. | strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because how do we get
happiness
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 if we can not do something? Is it staying in bed all the time
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 our life
fill
Wrong verb form
filled
show examples
 with joy?
For instance
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, if we are ill, it would require us to stay at home and rest to recover.
Thus
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, good body condition
as well as
Linking Words
 mental
health
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 is one of the keys that bring
happiness
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in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 our lives.
To conclude
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, | strongly believe that
although
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 there are
people
Use synonyms
 who do not have children in their lives, they still are able and deserve to find their joyfulness through other things
such
Linking Words
 as having a chance to contact their idol or getting accepted from the office.
However
Linking Words
, good
health
Use synonyms
 is the most influential factor that leads to
happiness
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by rezaf.permadi on

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task response
Make sure to directly address all parts of the question prompt throughout the essay. The question asks for your opinion on happiness without children and other factors that affect happiness, and your essay should have a more balanced discussion on both aspects.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that the essay is well-structured with clear paragraphing. Each paragraph should contain one clear main idea with supporting sentences that are directly related to the topic sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Use a variety of linking words and phrases to create coherent paragraphs and to help the reader follow the argument
task achievement
Include specific examples to illustrate and support your ideas. These examples should be relevant and detailed to effectively back up your points about happiness without children and other factors that influence happiness.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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