IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

While many people go to university for academic study, more people should be encouraged to do vocational training because there is a lack of qualified workers such as electricians and plumbers. Do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, many
people
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 decide to pursue their studies in university
while
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 the skills of electricians and plumbers become limited; it is thought by some that vocational training has been developed to encourage
people
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 on
electricity
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 and plumbing. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, I totally agree as
this
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 is a positive development to empower students to be more attractive and
also
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 increase their skills in both subjects since those fields were crucial in the industrial revolution around the world. In the beginning,
electricity
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 and plumbing in every
place
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 transformed into important things that should be handled by professional engineers or mechanics. A lot of
people
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 begin to have no interest in
this
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 job field as the salary is not promising in several countries, especially in developing countries.
As a result
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,
according to
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 International Data Employees, the number of workers in
this
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 subject has diminished year by year.
Furthermore
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,
this
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 issue can be a harmful situation in the future if the world lacks electricians and plumbers.
For instance
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, every household, company, industry, etc. will face difficulties in solving the
electricity
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 problem,
water
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 supply, heating system, sanitation and many others. Unfortunately, it can impact to safety of work and the places can lack
water
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 or anything related to
this
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 job.
Secondly
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, improving some countries cannot be relinquished by
this
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 matter since
electricity
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 and safety still become primary subjects for building skyscrapers, houses, or companies.
In other words
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,
this
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 discipline is one of the foundations of creating a comfy and homey
place
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 for many
people
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 and all creatures. The lack of that subject during building a building can bring the detrimental butterfly effect.
For example
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, based on The Health Article, published in 2023, a house or a
place
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 without good sanitation and
water
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 supply can damage
people
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's health;
moreover
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,
water
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 is an essential material needed by the human body and cancer is predicted to grow because of the dirty
water
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 from old pipe.
That is
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 why expert electricians and plumbers are extremely important to be trained. In conclusion, vocational training to boost the talent of students and attract them is crucially important in every
place
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 to create a better
place
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 for everyone as a deterrence from atrocious damage in the future.

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task achievement
Your essay adequately addresses the prompt, but the extent of your argument could benefit from further elaboration. Specifically, while you have provided a clear position, the support of your ideas seems general rather than in-depth. Try to develop each point with more detailed arguments and evidence. Additionally, aim to ensure that each paragraph contributes to the overall argument by directly addressing the prompt.
coherence cohesion
The structure of the essay is somewhat clear, however, better logical sequencing and paragraphing are required. A clear introduction and conclusion are present, but the body paragraphs could be more cohesively organized with clearer topic sentences and smoother transitions between ideas. Consider employing a wider range of cohesive devices to enhance the essay's flow.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • vocational training
  • skilled labor
  • practical skills
  • job market
  • economic benefits
  • unemployment rates
  • job-ready
  • educational debt
  • societal stigma
  • balanced workforce
  • career satisfaction
  • technical trades
  • university education
  • employment opportunities
  • hands-on experience
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