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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many countries, childhood obesity is a growing problem. What are the reasons for this and what can individuals and governments do to tackle the problem? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant experience from your own experience.

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There is no doubt that these days that increasing number of children are considered obese in different parts of the world.
Although
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 there are a variety of possible reasons for childhood obesity, steps can be taken to tackle
this
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 problem. In my opinion, three main factors are to blame for childhood obesity in many countries.
First,
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kinds of the
food
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 consumed by
kids
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 are not healthy for them and are eaten in amounts.
For example
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, sugary
food
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, fast
food
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, fat. soft drinks and other junk
food
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.
Second,
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Many
kids
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 are not used to exercising, which is important to lose weight and be in good health. The main thing causing laziness in young people is spending a lot of time on electronic
devices
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,
such
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 as computers, mobile
devices
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, televisions, and video
games
Change the noun form
game
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devices
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. I believe that change must start at home by the parents, where parents are the role models for their children. father and mothers should be a good demonstration in terms of
food
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 consumption.
In other words
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, meals preferred to be cooked at home from healthy components, namely vegetables, fruits, beans and meat or fish.
Moreover
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, schools should be involved by adding various activities classes ,
such
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 as football, running and swimming classes.
In
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addition
Add a comma
addition,
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 playing outside has multiple benefits
besides
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 young
kids
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' health.
Finally
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, using electronic
devices
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 should be limited by time, so children do not sit in front of screens all the time. In conclusion, childhood obesity will continue to be a problem unless parents and schools
must
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apply
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ensure steps are taken to prevent
this
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 phenomenon from deteriorating our
kids
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' health.

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coherence cohesion
To improve your essay, ensure the use of proper conjunctions and transitions more frequently to enhance the flow between ideas and paragraphs. This will improve coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
Work on reducing minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. This will help in conveying ideas more clearly and smoothly.
task achievement
Your essay covers multiple causes of childhood obesity and suggests viable solutions, showing a comprehensive understanding of the task.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This organization helps readers follow your arguments easily.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • childhood obesity
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • balanced diet
  • fast food
  • sugary snacks
  • physical activity
  • nutrition education
  • health campaigns
  • public health initiatives
  • government regulations
  • home-cooked meals
  • extracurricular sports
  • digital entertainment
  • sedentary behavior
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