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Writing Samples
Band 7

Research has shown that overeating is as harmful as smoking. Therefore, the advertising of certain food products should be banned in the same way as the advertising of cigarettes in some countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Some surveys indicate that eating too much can be even more injurious than some drugs to our health.
Therefore
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, some groups believe that some restrictions should be instituted to prevent the terrible consequences of
this
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 issue.
This
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 essay absolutely agrees with
this
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 statement and will provide its reasons.  On one hand, overeating and using inappropriate
foods
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 can threaten our health even more than cigarettes. Smoking is renowned for its injurious effects.but most
people
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 don’t have much information about the damage that fast
foods
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 can cause.
Furthermore
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, some companies show them as healthy and lure customers.
In addition
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, smoking mainly hurts the lungs. But, a bad diet can have an influence on the whole body. Because nutrients are crucial for cells to continue their lives and they get it from our meals.
For example
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, some research shows that the number of McDonald's customers increased by 2.5% compared to
last
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 year and most of these individuals don’t care that much about their health. 
On the other hand
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, the issue of banning some
food
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 products has some critics.
Firstly
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, limiting
food
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 products can mean the reduction of society’s freedom and lessen their choices. So,
people
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 may resist
this
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 new law.
Secondly
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, overeating of any
food
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 can harm our body which makes
this
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 problem unavoidable except with changing the eating habits of the community. Eating too many vegetables,
for instance
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, can kill some beneficial bacteria in the gut and cause blood diseases.
Thirdly
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, eliminating some
foods
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 from meals reduces the
food
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 diversity among
people
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 and it can lead to a lack of some important elements like potassium. 
To conclude
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, we can’t eliminate
foods
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 that are popular in the community. But, we should change
food
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 habits among
people
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 to have a more healthy diet and lessen the quantity of
food
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 they eat daily
instead
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.

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task achievement
Ensure that your essay's introduction provides a clear statement about your stance on the topic. While you indicated agreement in the beginning, the conclusion presented a different message, suggesting that banning is not the solution.
task achievement
The body paragraphs should be more clearly focused on either supporting your initial stance or providing counterarguments, with suitable examples. However, this essay's body paragraphs present confusion, as one agrees with the banning of certain food advertisements while the other disagrees.
task achievement
Your conclusion should summarize your arguments and restate your position consistently with the introduction. This essay's conclusion diverges from the initial agreement to ban the advertising of certain foods.
coherence cohesion
Your essay should have a logical flow, with a clear progression of ideas from one paragraph to the next. The transition between agreeing with the ban and discussing the negatives of such a ban is abrupt.
coherence cohesion
Use cohesive devices effectively to link ideas and paragraphs. While some are used, the overall cohesion could be improved with better transitions and topic sentences that reflect the main idea of each paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Develop each main point with a relevant, supportive example. Examples given are not clearly linked to the argument nor are they convincingly elaborated upon to strengthen your position.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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