IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Advertising aimed at children should be banned. To what extent you agree or disagree?

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Many
children
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 are exposed to a large number of
advertisements
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 today and persuaded to buy things like snacks,
toys
Correct word choice
and toys
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 to name but a few. For their safety, it is necessary to impose restrictions or even a ban on advertising aimed at school-age
children
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. Tough regulations on advertising can be an effective means of deterring
children
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 from begging their elders to purchase
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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unnecessary
products
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.
That is
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 because they are not always price-sensitive and misled by attractive
advertisements
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 which are full of intriguing videos and animated images. As tremendous enjoyment
displayed
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is displayed
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, it gives
children
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 the impression that those items are desperately needed for them, which will place a heavy financial burden on their households.
Due to
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 profit orientation, advertisers rarely consider the long-term impact of their
products
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 on the younger generation, so the government should intervene to minimize the exposure of child-targeted
advertisements
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 to minors, which cannot only relieve the financial pressure for families but can curb
the
Correct article usage
apply
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over-consumerism.
On the other hand
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, advertising functions as an important medium to not only keep customers well-informed of major features of
products
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,
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apply
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 but can provide shoppers
more
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with more
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 choices
as
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by
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 watching different
advertisements
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,
thus
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 making a wise decision
finally
Linking Words
.
For instance
Linking Words
, if parents get to know some substitutes, which are good value for money, for
iPad
Correct your spelling
iPads
 from
advertisements
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, it can save
the
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apply
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educational
expense
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expenses
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 for the family, so they can invest their extra money in other urgent areas.
Therefore
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, it is not appropriate to bar advertisers from promoting
products
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 targeted
for
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at
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children
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 without any distortion and misleading information. In conclusion, under no circumstance should we ignore the importance of banning manufacturers from advertising their
products
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 in an improper and misguiding manner, but it is unnecessary to prohibit all child-targeted
advertisements
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.

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Task Achievement
In terms of task achievement, your response addresses the prompt with a clear position. However, to further enhance your score, make sure that each paragraph clearly relates to the main argument, and that your ideas are fully developed with more relevant and varied examples.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have organized your ideas in a logical way that generally follows a clear progression throughout the essay. However, the introduction and conclusion could be further strengthened to better frame your argument and reiterate your main points more definitively.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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