IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people believe that children of all ages should have extra responsibilities (for example, helping at home or at work). Others believe that, children should be free to enjoy their life. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #children #ages #responsibilities #home #work #life
People have different views
Change preposition
on weather
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weather
Correct your spelling
whether
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 all
children
 ought to take responsibility for helping their families or enjoy their life as much as they want. In my
opinion
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opinion,
show examples
 by helping
children
 to their families, they learn how to be more independent in
their
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the
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 future. On the one hand, the sense of freedom that
children
 have may help them to enjoy
their
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the
show examples
 time that come back
at
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to
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 school like playing video games and that can improve their problem-solving.
For example
, when they play strategic games which are based on team play, they will
realized
Wrong verb form
realise
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 how to be a part of
team
Add an article
a team
the team
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 in future and do their task accurately.
Also
 going out with friends can reduce their stress which involves
with
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apply
show examples
their lives.
For example
,
mostly
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most
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children
 prefer to talk with their friends rather than family, so they may
chatting
Wrong verb form
chat
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 or
talking
Wrong verb form
talk
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 with their peers about different issues that they have.
On the other hand
, having extra responsibilities will have
positive
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a positive
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 effect on
also
children
's personalities and their independence. If parents persuade their
children
 to do some
home-work
Correct your spelling
homework
show examples
 activities
such
 as going shopping that might help
children
 learn to interact with communities,
as a
result
Add the comma(s)
result,
show examples
 their personalities may grow.
In addition
,
children
 can
be participate
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participate
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 in other tasks like repairing small things
such
 as assembling a chair,
mowing
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or mowing
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 the lawn, so they are able to fix them step by step.
Consequently
, they are likely to be more independent by doing small duties.
Finally
, in my opinion,
while
children
 may do nothing specific after school unless relaxing, or spending time playing video games, they should be taught how to accomplish domestic work as well.
In other words
, parents
may
Verb problem
apply
show examples
should give them age-appropriate tasks to learn how to tackle the problems which help them to be independent. In conclusion, it might bring satisfaction for
children
 when they live on their own,
whereas
 being independent
give
Change the verb form
gives
show examples
 them an eternity
joyful
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
.
Submitted by sarmastsobhan1994 on

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coherence cohesion
To improve the logical structure of your essay, ensure that your paragraphs follow a clear progression of ideas, transitioning smoothly from one to the next. Each paragraph should have a clear topic sentence followed by supporting sentences that expand on that idea.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, but they need to be more impactful and clear. The introduction should outline the main points you will discuss, and the conclusion should summarily reflect on these points, reaffirming your stance without introducing new information.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with more detailed and developed arguments. Rather than simply stating an idea, elaborate on why it is important and how it supports the overall argument of the essay.
task achievement
Ensure your essay responds fully to the task by addressing all parts of the prompt. Your conclusion should clearly reflect your opinion, supported by the arguments made throughout the essay.
task achievement
Develop clear and comprehensive ideas by exploring each point with depth and detail. Instead of brief examples or general statements, provide thoughtful analysis and explanation of your ideas.
task achievement
Use relevant and specific examples to support your arguments. Examples should be pertinent to the topic and detailed enough to clarify your points effectively. Avoid generic statements that do not add weight to your ideas.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Responsibilities
  • Essential life skills
  • Fosters
  • Discipline
  • Shared tasks
  • Mental and emotional development
  • Overburdening
  • Childhood innocence
  • Extracurricular activities
  • Balanced approach
  • Child's capabilities
What to do next:
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