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Band 6

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work
Non-curricular subjects are equally important as the core ones as they play a vital role in the development of model
students
.
However
, statistics exemplify
students
 have struggled academically
due to
 these elective
courses
. In the line of the said issue, the small proportion of the populace ought the government to completely demolish these
courses
 . I completely disagree with
this
 statement, I will discuss my point of view with evidence for each claim.
To begin
 with, elective
courses
such
 as physical education,cookery, painting, etc help in developing numerous skills needed by the
students
 which academic
courses
 could not provide.
For instance
,Ahmad who is the model student in his school is given the opportunity to study abroad.
However
, he does not know how to cook.How can he survive in a foreign country alone without
this
 skill
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
Moreover
, physical education is important in maintaining the cardiovascular fitness of the
students
.
By doing
Change preposition
Doing
show examples
this
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
automatically sharpens their academic attainment.
To sum up
, these
courses
 are essential in attending
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 needs of the
students
 in the future.
Moreover
,
students
 have a chance to discover their hidden talents or explore their interests outside of academic fields :athletes, painters, and chefs. It may help
students
 have a clear overview and choose the career path they want.
Last
 but not least,
students
 need something that can clear their mind after tiring study hours.Studying requires much concentration and cognitive thinking.
For example
,a mere soccer match can alleviate their stress. In conclusion, non-academic
courses
 give
students
 a short break from study and chances for them to explore numerous field jobs. On the final note, elective
courses
 are the key ingredients in moulding competent
students
 with the skills they should have.They should not be neglected in any situation but
paid
Wrong verb form
should pay
show examples
 more attention
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coherence cohesion
Try to more explicitly link your supporting points back to your main argument to create stronger coherence throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Work on smoothing out transitions between points to make your writing flow more naturally.
task achievement
While your response covers the prompt well, aim to develop some of the points in more detail to bolster your argument.
task achievement
Although relevant examples are given, try to use a wider variety of examples to support different points. This can make your argument more convincing.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your position and sets up the essay well.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reaffirms your stance, wrapping up the essay nicely.
coherence cohesion
Your ideas are relevant and generally well-organized, making it easy to follow your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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