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Band 3.5

some people believe that culture will be ruined if it is used to earn tourism revenue, but others consider that tourism is the only way of protecting culture. Discuss both sides ans give your own opinion.

#people #culture #tourism #revenue #ans
The diversity of
cultures
 in a
country
 could become one of the leading
way
Change to a plural noun
ways
show examples
 to attract
tourist
Fix the agreement mistake
tourists
show examples
. A way that a
country
 could form harmoniously with its different
cultures
 could bring a lot of attention that could potentially bring up
tourism
avenue
Fix the agreement mistake
avenues
show examples
 and that
country
 could benefit a lot from that
aspect
.
People
 from neighbouring and
long distance
Add a hyphen
long-distance
show examples
 countries could visit and learn about the long history and how it survived for decades facing globalization and
modern
Correct article usage
the modern
show examples
 era. Not only would it benefit from the
tourism
aspect
, but
also
 the recognition that the
country
 would have and gain.
Although
 it could bring a lot of profit towards that
country
, there would be some disadvantages
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
tourism
 introducing
cultures
 towards the world. One of the advantages of it would be plagiarism, especially with neighbouring countries that would often claim a certain cultural
aspect
.
For example
, a traditional dance could be claimed as theirs with given proofs that could strengthen their arguments. That one
examle
Correct your spelling
example
 alone could impact negatively
towards
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the aimed
country
.
Therefore
,
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
my claim is that
tourism
 would bring more advantages towards a
country
, focusing on the
introduting
Correct your spelling
introducing
introduction
cultures
 towards
people
. With the help of
tourism
,
people
 would learn about
cultures
Correct article usage
the cultures
show examples
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 that
country
 and
gaining
Wrong verb form
gain
show examples
 recognition. From
those recognition
Change the determiner
that recognition
show examples
, if a neighbouring decided to claim a certain cultural
aspect
, their claims and arguments would be invalid
due to
people
 from other countries could bring
a stronger arguments
Correct the article-noun agreement
stronger arguments
a stronger argument
show examples
 about the origin
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the cultural 
aspect
.
Submitted by vanadia on

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task achievement
Your essay interprets the prompt well and attempts to discuss both sides of the argument. However, the response is not fully developed with clear, extended arguments. In order to improve task achievement scores, ensure that you provide a complete exploration of the issues with balanced coverage of both perspectives and a well-reasoned personal position.
coherence cohesion
Your essay features an understandable structure with clear paragraphs but lacks strong topic sentences and transitions to guide the reader through the argument seamlessly. To score higher in coherence and cohesion, focus on crafting a clear topic sentence for each paragraph, using appropriate linking words, and providing clear conclusion statements that reflect on the content presented within the paragraph.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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