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Band 6.5

Some people say that the government should spend more money taking care of elderly people while others think that government spending should be spent more on the education of young people. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #government #money #care #education
The prosperity of a nation depends upon the policies made by its government. It is a common belief among some individuals that the administration should contribute more funds to look after the old people
while
 others argue that the money should be spent on educating teenagers. In my opinion, I personally believe that a good amount of funds could be shared to educate the youngsters because they are the building blocks of a country. The young generation can convert the misfortune of a state into a bright future. A good quality education
system
 would bring up children with unique ideas, and they learn different things that are beneficial for their practical
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
For instance
, Finland has spent a lot on their education,
therefore
, they have the best education
system
 in the world.
Such
 students would be able to establish companies and firms that are helpful to their economy. The
system
 should invest in educating their young masses
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 would be fruitful for the nation.
On the other hand
, old and retired people
also
 play a crucial part in society. We could provide basic facilities to our senior citizens, so they would live a peaceful life. Health and residential funds should be raised to act upon
this
 idea,as it encourages a better quality of life among them. They would be treated politely
due to
 their contributions to the nation. If they were government employees
then
 it is essential to give them a considerable pension. In conclusion,
whereas
, the state would facilitate their retired persons, it is more worth considering
to provide
Change the verb form
providing
show examples
 a
high standard
Add a hyphen
high-standard
show examples
 schooling
system
 for a bright future.
Submitted by kamiawan3233 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that the ideas are logically organized within the paragraphs.
task achievement
While the essay provides a complete response to the task, ensure all points have balanced analysis.
coherence cohesion
The essay contains a strong introduction and conclusion that frame the discussion well.
task achievement
You used relevant examples, such as the education system in Finland, to support your points effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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