IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Many people think that painting and music do not directly improve the quality of people. Therefore, government should not spend too much money on artistic projects. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #music #quality #government #money #projects
There has been a prevailing belief that the
art
 of painting and music don't have a direct beneficial impact,on human beings. For that reason, the expenses that the government
spent
Wrong verb form
spends
show examples
 on
art
 are overestimated. It is generally accepted that the main discussion is not about the effectiveness of
art
 in the human soul but the amount of money spent
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
this
 purpose.In the subsequent paragraphs, I will explain why I disagree with
this
 statement.
Firstly
, there is a reasonable discussion about the reason why governments spend so much money on artistic projects when there are other vital needs to fulfil first.
For example
, nowadays the number of homeless people is increasing
as well as
 the amount of unemployed ones. The administration should consider
this
 problem as primal and more important than the artistic spirit of the country. By resolving those critical problems there is room for
further
 improvements in our spiritual needs too.
On the other hand
, humans express themselves through
art
, developing characteristics
such
 as creativity, imagination and understanding.
For instance
, Paris is well known for the presence of
art
 and music in every street of the city, which makes it a unique destination to feel free of problems;
also
 known as the city of love. By embracing
art
 in the streets, museums and coffee shops, the government aims to help its citizens process better their feelings, becoming happier and calmer because of the environment that surrounds them. Ultimately,
although
 the presence of
art
 around us is beneficial and inspiring it can't become the primary goal of the government,
while
 homeless people still exist.The administration should prioritise other human needs first and
then
 expand on artistic projects in the future.
Submitted by margarita99sila on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay is logically organized, with clear paragraphs and identifiable main ideas. Using cohesive devices such as linking words will greatly improve the logical flow of the essay.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present which lays out your position and summarizes your view respectively, but make sure they are clear and bookend your essay effectively.
coherence cohesion
Make an effort to use a range of cohesive devices and paragraphing effectively to support each main point, which at present are identifiable but lacking development.
task achievement
To fully respond to the task, ensure you address all parts of the prompt. While you present a clear position, the response needs to be developed more comprehensively.
task achievement
Each paragraph should contain one clear idea that is expanded upon. Move beyond stating a viewpoint by explaining and illustrating it with detailed examples.
task achievement
Use more specific examples to support your points. Real-world examples, statistics, or expert opinions would enhance the quality of your response and show a wider understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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