IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

a growing number of people feel that animal should not be exploited while other argue humans must employ animals for research and foods. discuss both views

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Nowadays, the growing prevalence of utilizing
animals
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 for
food
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 and research purposes has triggered a topic of discussion.
While
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 some believe that these creatures should not be captured and exploited, others think it would be beneficial for humans. In the subsequent paragraphs, both views will be expanded. To commence with,
animals
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 can benefit humanity in various aspects.
Firstly
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, they can contribute to health experiments for human survival. To expand, vaccine development is a process which requires thousands of failures and experiments and involving people would be a risky action in the early stages.
For example
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, monkeys have the most similar genes as compared to humans, and to be honest, millions of lives would have been lost in the Coronavirus pandemic if these
animals
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 were not used as prototype practices.
Besides
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,
animals
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 create the majority proportion of our
food
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 chain and provide delicious meals.
For instance
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, sheep and cows provide dairy products
such
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 as milk, cheese, and cream,
in addition
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 to their meat. In fact, removing them from the
food
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 chain may put human
food
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 security in danger.
Therefore
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, they are beneficial for our
food
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 security and medical development.
On the other hand
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, indulgence in using
animals
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 for different purposes would be ethically wrong. To illustrate, many pharmaceutical companies capture
animals
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 not only for vaccine research but
also
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 for unnecessary skincare developments.
As a consequence
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, many in-danger creatures might be sacrificed. By and large, exploiting
animals
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 can be detrimental to our planet's sustainability. In conclusion,
while
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animals
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 can be used as
food
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 resources or help in health research, they could have catastrophic impacts on our
food
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 security or result in the extinction of rare species if it is not well-managed.

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coherence cohesion
It is crucial to ensure a logical progression of ideas throughout your essay. Although you covered both sides of the argument, there is room for improvement in connecting your ideas more cohesively. Work on the use of linking words and phrases to better lead the reader through your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your essay introduces and concludes the topic; however, the conclusion is slightly underdeveloped. Make sure to restate your main arguments more clearly and provide a definitive, conclusive statement expressing your final stance on the issue.
coherence cohesion
While you do support your points, the support could be more developed. Use a wider range of sentence structures and more concrete, specific examples to clarify and back up your points. Adding data or citing research could improve your score in this area.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the task and provides a response to the prompt. However, the response would benefit from deeper exploration of the themes and more thorough development of your positions. Ensure that your response is complete and all parts of the task are covered extensively.
task achievement
The ideas are adequately clear, yet they are not explored comprehensively. Strive for a deeper analysis and justification of the arguments presented. Developing each point further would show a better understanding and engagement with the topic.
task achievement
Your essay contains relevant examples, but they are too general and not as specific as could be expected at a higher level. Including more detailed examples relating directly to the prompt will enhance the relevance and effectiveness of your arguments.
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