IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

The world's most urgent problem is caused by over-population. Do you agree or disagree?

#world #over-population
In
this
 day and age, there is a vast expanse of the consumption of sweetened goods, which is known as a prominent element resulting in a number of related issues. I do believe that raising the price of
this
 kind of product is considered a noticeable solution to have
this
 tendency restrained.
This
 essay will analyze and discuss the divergent reasons
along with
 my own perspective.
Firstly
,
according to
 the economic principle, a large increase in price would accompany
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a reduction in demand, which
then
 drives an adjustment in
customers’s
Remove the s
customers’
show examples
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
.
Therefore
, they become pickier and more reluctant to consume sugary food and beverages and tend to take healthier nourishment as alternatives.
For instance
, if a healthy meal costs $5
while
 a sugary junk food costs $10, people
then
 prefer the first choice. Assuming that sugary food and drinks cost an arm and a leg, knowledgeable consumers would have no intention of splashing out on it and students do not get that much money to pay for as well.
This
 phenomenon will
then
 of course lead to a decline in purchasing and promote a healthy lifestyle.
Secondly
, it is reasonable to implement
such
 regulation as a way of suppressing the excessive intake of sweets by people in general and children
in particular
. Despite being an indispensable ingredient in most cuisines, sugar still comes with
such
 apparently substantial consequences: increasing the risk of obesity, diabetes, and heart attack.
Hence
,
in addition
 to the currently proposed solutions, the cost involved in consuming sugary products should be deliberated to be extravagant.
However
, as mentioned above,
this
 is not the optimal solution for the currently apprehensive problem. Apart from the given suggestion, there is more effort needed for the improvement. Not only do governments play a vital role in managing the situation
as
Change preposition
by
show examples
 coming up with necessary regulations, but workshops and campaigns
also
 need to be organized regularly in order to propagate the negative effects of diseases caused by sugary products. In conclusion, surge pricing is an appropriate proposal
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 dealing with the prevalent consumption of sweetened goods. It is believed to bring a lot of benefits and reduce other health-related issues.
Submitted by jakelong16091994 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Make sure to address the prompt directly. Your essay does not address the question about over-population and instead talks about the consumption of sweetened goods and raising the price to reduce consumption. This results in a low score for task achievement, as the response is completely off-topic.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion that are relevant to the topic. Also, each paragraph should have a clear main idea and be well-developed with supporting sentences. This essay lacks cohesion because the paragraphs seem disjointed and the ideas are not always logically connected.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!