IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Older people often choose to spend money on themselves (e.g. on holidays) rather than save money for their children after retirement. Is this a positive or negative development?

#people #money #e #g #holidays #children #retirement #development
There has been a tremendous increase in the number of
invdividuals
Correct your spelling
individuals
 questioning whether older
poeple
Correct your spelling
people
 should leave their saving to their
children
.
While
 some may strongly disagree, I firmly believe that older
people
 have the right to enjoy the money they
made
Wrong verb form
make
show examples
 themselves. From my perspective,
this
 will not only teach their
children
 to
work
 hard and achieve their dreams
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 they deserve to be rewarded for their hard
work
.
To begin
, there is an argument to be made that it is beneficial for
children
 to learn to live
independenty
Correct your spelling
independently
independent
 of their parent’s
saving
Fix the agreement mistake
savings
show examples
.
For example
, many cases of kids with a wealthy family background do not end up finishing their education, because they have the financial stability provided by their parents.
For
this
 reason, it is evident that
youngesters
Correct your spelling
youngsters
 need to experience the hardship associated with
work
 at an early age,
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
admire the value of their education and rely on themselves. What is more,
children
 will challenge themselves to improve their skills and focus on their capabilities, without which they will never understand their true
potentials
Fix the agreement mistake
potential
show examples
.
This
 being the case, it can be assumed that if
children
 were spoiled by their parent’s money,
this
 would cause a significant distraction for them to reach their goals.
In addition
 to
this
, it must be stated that parents should dedicate time to enjoy their accomplishments.
For instance
, the majority of
people
 find it
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
mentally satisfying to spend each summer vacation in a different country, without budgeting themselves during
this
 period.
Therefore
,
it is clear that
 older
people
 will experience spiritual meditation by spending holidays away from
work
, without it they will be in
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
continuous stress and not able to take care of their
children
.
Furthermore
, parents should take care of their physical health to maintain their strength, so they should allocate some of their
saving
Fix the agreement mistake
savings
show examples
 for rehabilitation and fitness training sessions. With
this
 in mind, there is no doubt that if older
people
 keep their
saving
Fix the agreement mistake
savings
show examples
 for their
children
,
this
 would harmfully influence their mentality and their physical strength.
To conclude
, the overwhelming evidence seems to suggest that older
people
 should spend money on themselves to drive their
children
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children's
show examples
 motivation forward,
as well as
sustaining
Wrong verb form
sustain
show examples
 their own healthy lifestyle.
Submitted by ototonji.ot on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear and logical structure is maintained throughout the essay. Make use of varied cohesive devices and transitions to enhance the flow of ideas.
coherence cohesion
While the introduction and conclusion are present and clear, aim for a more impactful thesis statement and a compelling final thought to leave a resonating impression with the reader.
coherence cohesion
Support each main point with specific examples and illustrations. Where possible, develop these examples further to fully demonstrate how they support the argument.
task achievement
Address the task questions with a complete response, ensuring that you cover all aspects of the prompt. Expand on the implications of the developments discussed where relevant.
task achievement
Present clear and comprehensive ideas, ensuring that each paragraph introduces a distinct and articulated point of view.
task achievement
Incorporate relevant and specific examples to fortify your arguments. Each example should be fully fleshed out to showcase its relevance to the overarching topic and your position on the development.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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