Some people feel that equality between the genders has already been achieved while others feel there is considerable progress to be made. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
There has been a tremendous increase in the number of individuals questioning whether gender
equality
was achieved in the soceity
. On the one hand, there are those who argue that Correct your spelling
society
men
and women
have equal treatment in the community. However
, critics, including myself, strongly oppose this
view and believe that equality
has been partially achieved and further
progression should be established.
To begin
, there is an argument to be made that females
have same
Correct article usage
the same
rights
as males through the new legislations
in the law. Fix the agreement mistake
legislation
For example
, in Egypt, females
participation in the Fix the agreement mistake
female
fedral
election reached 52% of the total, following Correct your spelling
federal
to
the Change preposition
apply
recent
introduced rules to affirm Change the adjective
recently
both
sexes
involvement in the voting system. Change noun form
sex's
sexes'
For
this
reason, it is evident that,
Remove the comma
apply
women
have now similar
contribution as Correct article usage
a similar
men
in taking
determintal decisions within their country, which reflects Correct your spelling
making
equal
share of the responsibility between Correct article usage
an equal
both
genders
. What is more, many women
nowadays lead the economy of their society by holding leadership positions in big companies, which demonstrates their active voices in driving the community. This
being the case, it can be assumed that if women
do not have equal rights
to men
, there would be real life
examples of their contributions Add a hyphen
real-life
in
Change preposition
to
the
society.
Correct article usage
apply
Nonetheless
, it must be stated that significant changes need to be implemented to reach the true definition of equality
between both
genders
. For instance
, driving was not allowed for women
in Saudi Arabia until 2018, for which they still require
to have a man sitting next to them Wrong verb form
required
while
driving. Therefore
, it is clear that
social burdens are still present and evidence in many communities, without which women
should never been considered to have equal rights
as men
. Furthermore
, females
earn less money than men
on many levels of work regardless of their level of experience, which shows clearly that the inequality in treating both
genders
is still evident. With this
in mind, there is no doubt that if females
were granted similar treatment as men
, there would be no possible traces of discrimination between both
genders
in Correct article usage
apply
the
society.
Correct article usage
apply
To conclude
, while
some may feel that females
have gained their independence and share same
Correct article usage
the same
rights
as men
, others, myself included hold the view that there is too much progression needed to reach the
Correct article usage
apply
equality
between them. From my perspective, there has been a considerable progression in fighting for women
’s rights
, however
Add the comma(s)
however,
considerabe
resolutions are required to fully ensure Correct your spelling
considerable
considerably
women
’s rights
.Submitted by ototonji.ot on
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coherence cohesion
The essay indicates clear paragraphs and a logical flow of ideas, though some points can be more elaborately connected to enhance cohesion. Utilize a wider range of cohesive devices and ensure that each paragraph seamlessly transitions into the next for improved readability.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-presented, but consider crafting a more impactful thesis statement and a punchier concluding sentence to leave a stronger impression on the reader.
coherence cohesion
Main points are supported with examples, yet the specificity and depth of these examples could be increased to provide a more persuasive argument. Providing real-world statistics or more detailed case studies could significantly fortify the essay's arguments.
task achievement
The essay provides a response to all parts of the task; however, the development of ideas can be deeper. Make sure to explore each viewpoint thoroughly and allocate a balanced amount of discussion to avoid appearing biased towards one perspective without adequate justification.
task achievement
The ideas conveyed are clear and comprehensive, yet there could be greater depth in the analysis. Aim to further unpack complex concepts and illustrate them with precise and varied language to enhance understanding.
task achievement
The essay contains relevant examples to support statements, but increased specificity and detail could enhance the persuasiveness of the argument. Make sure each example directly relates to the central claim of the paragraph and adds significant weight to the overall discussion.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?