IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

As well as making money, businessess also have social responsibilities. Do you agree or disagree?

#money #businessess #responsibilities
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It is undeniable that businesses are
profit-centre
Correct your spelling
profit-centred
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 institutions.
However
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, others may think that businesses
also
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 have social objectives. I totally agree with
this
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 argument since nowadays, many
business
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 foundations are helping
society
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 in terms of education and household economics.
To begin
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 with, many
business
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 institutions have helped the community to pursue their education.
This
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 intention runs with dozens of scholarships offered by corporations for primary or secondary schoolers. Take me as an example. Back in 2016, I received a scholarship from the FMCG company to support my research during my project in my bachelor thesis. They gave monthly tuitions in a fantastic amount which was extremely valuable for me at that time.
Thus
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,
that is
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 a shred of valid evidence to prove that despite being a
profit-center
Change the spelling
profit-centre
show examples
 platform, businesses
also
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 have social purposes.
Moreover
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, it cannot be refuted that
business
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 helps
society
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 to improve
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
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 economic status. Many corporations have a program to give special funds to poor people, whether it can be their direct employees, third parties, or even
society
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 who live around their workplace.
For instance
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, in 2024, Unilever
declares
Wrong verb form
declared
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 that they
commit
Wrong verb form
committed
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 to
help
Wrong verb form
helping
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 their co-worker who faces economic distress with the aim of giving a decent life for families and children as future generations.
As a result
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, with the bounty given by
business
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 stakeholders, it can improve human life and become a perfect reflection for balancing between profit and social ends.
To sum up
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, it is true that making money is a fundamental goal for
business
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 institutions.
However
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, I believe that there are social sides which able to be executed by corporations,
such
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 as giving funds to help
society
Use synonyms
 in education and economic status.
Submitted by aidafathiaa on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear logical structure with distinct paragraphs each presenting a cohesive argument. While you have an introduction and conclusion, the body paragraphs could benefit from clearer topic sentences and transition words to enhance the reader's ability to follow your line of reasoning.
task achievement
Your essay clearly responds to the task, with a position that is relevant and an opinion that is maintained throughout the essay. However, the development of ideas could be more comprehensive, possibly by adding more varied and detailed examples or by explicitly addressing a counterargument to strengthen your position.
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