IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Nowadays, technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing. In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

#technology #people #cases #development
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As information
technology
 has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
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advanced, cameras, messengers, and social media are everywhere, and they record
people
's
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 without noticing it.
This
 development of
technology
 has obviously pros and cons, so
people
's opinions on
this
 issue are divided. I disagree
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that improved
technology
 has more advantages than disadvantages.
This
 essay will address both views and demonstrate the reason why I am concerned about
technology
 development. First of all, being monitored can violate
individual's
Correct article usage
an individual's
show examples
 privacy.
For example
, some celebrities
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
hard
Change the article
a hard
show examples
 time recovering from negative images
resulted
Wrong verb form
resulting
show examples
 from
gossips
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gossip
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 about their private life, when their personal videos, texts, and
voice mails
Correct your spelling
voicemails
show examples
are
Wrong verb form
were
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 leaked by strangers. I believe that the more
record
Correct subject-verb agreement
records
show examples
people
's
live
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lives
show examples
, the more dangerous
possibility
Correct article usage
the possibility
show examples
 of leaking is. Since the outcome of privacy violence is irreversible, we should handle the
technology
 in a very careful way.
On the other hand
, some
people
 think advanced
technology
 can prevent crime and
helpful
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be helpful
show examples
 for catching criminals.
For instance
,
polices
Correct subject-verb agreement
police
show examples
 can find
the
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apply
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crime evidence by reviewing data
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
people
's cell phones, cars,
and
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apply
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the Internet, etc.
However
, they should use
this
 method carefully, only for figuring out crimes. If
polices
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police
show examples
overused
Wrong verb form
overuse
show examples
 the
technology
, backfire can be beyond our
expectation
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expectations
show examples
.
To sum up
, improved
technology
 can play
a
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an
show examples
 essential role when protecting society from dangers,
however
, it can be the root cause of another crime for privacy violence. Improvement of
technology
 is inevitable, so we should manage and control its danger to use it in a safe way.
Submitted by ywb516 on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear position throughout the response, however, it does not fully develop all parts of the task. There is a need to explore the advantages of the technology in a more balanced way to satisfy the requirement of addressing both sides of the argument.
coherence cohesion
Your essay maintains a logical structure, but it can be improved by elaborating on points made and creating better connections between them. Consider using a wider range of cohesive devices to enhance the clarity and flow between ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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