IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamor and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. Do you agree or disagree?

#celebrities #glamor #wealth #achievements #sets #people
Some
people
 have argued that in recent years many celebrities have shared a negative influence on the younger generation by being well-known to enrich themselves but not focussing on
quality
Add an article
the quality
show examples
 of their performance. The writer totally agrees with that opinion because it can set up a negative
mindset
 on earning
money
 for their life and unrealistic goals for their future
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the younger generation.
This
 essay will explain more
on
Change preposition
about
show examples
 those two views of the statement. As the first statement of a negative
mindset
 on earning
money
, teenagers will focus on doing whatever they can do even from the easiest way for being wealthy. Related to earning
money
, the easiest means of being wealthy is just showing something unique but worthless to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
, attracting their attention with likes and comments on social media to get
money
.
For example
, on social media, TikTok, Instagram,
Tweeter
Correct your spelling
Twitter
show examples
 and Threats, many
people
 try to be popular by recording themselves doing worthless activities, even disgusting acts
such
 as taking a shower using dirty water to attract the attention of the viewers. The audience will watch it and they will get
money
. Setting the
mindset
 of getting
money
not
Correct word choice
and not
show examples
 needing skills or ability will be directly in the younger generation's thoughts. Turning to the second reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 making unrealistic goals for life, as seen by artists with white and smooth skin,
as well as
 a
glamor
Change the spelling
glamour
show examples
 lifestyle, young
people
 will believe that they
also
 can be successful when they look like that. Young woman,
in particular
,
trying
Wrong verb form
try
show examples
 to compare their appearance with their fan and focus
to imitate
Change preposition
on imitating
show examples
 what their fan have to look richer.
For instance
, in the writer's hometown, there are many young women buying beauty products to whiten their skin and borrowing
money
 for other
people
 to buy expensive clothing.
Then
, taking pictures and sharing them on social media will make
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society believe that they are more successful. All in all, the writer believes that being a big hit person should
be sharing
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 a positive impact
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
people
. Showing a glamorous lifestyle might spread a negative
mindset
 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
people
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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introduction conclusion present
Introduction should clearly present the topic and a thesis statement summarizing your opinion.
logical structure
Ensure a clear progression of ideas from introduction through body paragraphs to conclusion. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea and follow logically from the previous one.
supported main points
Main points should be developed with specific examples and detailed arguments, not just statements of opinion.
complete response
Response should fully address all parts of the task, presenting a fully developed position throughout the response.
clear comprehensive ideas
Ideas should be clear and easily understood, investing in elaboration and clearer arguments to avoid ambiguity.
relevant specific examples
Include examples that are directly relevant and support the argument. Use real-world situations or hypothetical examples that are realistic and pertinent.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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