IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

The graph below compares the number of visits to two new music sites on the web. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.

The graph below compares the number of visits to two new music sites on the web. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The line graph depicts the comparison between the hits of
music
Use synonyms
 choice and pop parade from different numbers of
visitors
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the online website. The data is measured by the thousands of numbers for a
period
Use synonyms
 of fifteen
days
Use synonyms
. By and large, the line graph clearly presented that there was a significant unstabled
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 using two kinds of online website
music
Use synonyms
 during the periods of time.
According to
Linking Words
 the statistical data of the
number
Use synonyms
 of online
music
Use synonyms
visitors
Use synonyms
, the most popular
music
Use synonyms
 chosen by
people
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the website was pop parade,
while
Linking Words
music
Use synonyms
 choice became the least popular.
However
Linking Words
, turning to the details it could be plainly viewed that during the first three
days
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the
music
Use synonyms
parade
Add a comma
parade,
show examples
 the
number
Use synonyms
 of
visitors
Use synonyms
 remained constant, which accounted for approximately 120
thousand
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, it declined dramatically between the fourth and the ninth
period
Use synonyms
 of time.
Then
Linking Words
 it jumped rapidly in the next 3
days
Use synonyms
 until it peaked
around
Change preposition
at around
show examples
 150
thousand
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the 11th
Use synonyms
days
Fix the agreement mistake
day
show examples
 and achieved the highest
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
at the end
Linking Words
 of the
period
Use synonyms
 (170
thousand
Use synonyms
). Turning to the contrast, the
visitors
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the
music
Use synonyms
 choice started in very small popularity, between 40 and 60
thousands
Fix the agreement mistake
thousand
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
, in the beginning of time until day eleven.
In addition
Linking Words
 to
this
Linking Words
, it showed a dramatic increase in the following
days
Use synonyms
 and it peaked at 120
thousand
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
,
at the end
Linking Words
 of the
Use synonyms
period
Add a comma
period,
show examples
 it plummeted sharply from 120
thousand
Use synonyms
 to around 70
thousand
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "at the end, however".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words music, visitors, period, days, number, people, thousand with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "numbers of" was used 5 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "dramatically" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Music sites
  • Web traffic
  • Number of visits
  • Trend analysis
  • Initial phase
  • Steady increase
  • Fluctuations
  • Significant change
  • Peaks
  • Turning point
  • Growth rate
  • Seasonal variation
  • Comparative analysis
  • Long-term trend
What to do next:
Look at other essays: