IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The use of mobile phone is an antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places so mobile phone should be banned like smoking. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
With the development of technology, using smartphones has been popular in recent years and has impacted the individual lifestyle. It has been suggested that mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 should be banned like smoking because of its drawback as smoking. In my opinion, I don’t accept
this
Linking Words
 proposal because it is baseless and impossible. The use of mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 is not
an
Correct your spelling
as
show examples
 antisocial as smoking.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the advantages and disadvantages of mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 are dependent on the user. Just as the object and usage of the smartphone of the owner is good or awful.
For example
Linking Words
, the government supplied smartphones as devices for poorer pupils to study online with their teacher during the
covid
Correct your spelling
COVID-19
 pandemic.
Secondly
Linking Words
, mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 do not affect communication and people’s health as smoking
is leading
Wrong verb form
leads
show examples
 to some health problems.
For instance
Linking Words
, smoking harms the lungs of smokers and people around
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
,
while
Linking Words
 individual
phones
Use synonyms
 just influence the owner.
Moreover
Linking Words
, mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 are
also
Linking Words
 necessary and developing
human’s
Change noun form
human
show examples
 life. Apparently, they help people contact each other from far away. It’s obvious that sons and daughters studying abroad can call a video and keep in touch with their parents .
Besides
Linking Words
, individual
phones
Use synonyms
 provide news for users
fastly
Rephrase
fast
show examples
 or they can check maps and weather forecasts
everytime
Replace the word
every time
show examples
 if they want. To illustrate, people can read
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
up-to-date international news
by
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
phones
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, I totally disagree that the use of mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 is antisocial. Correspondingly, mobile
phones
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 should not be banned
while
Linking Words
 they don’t have
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
show examples
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
influence
as
Change preposition
on
show examples
 smoking.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction
Your introduction should clearly present your opinion on the given statement. While you stated that you don't accept the proposal, your introduction could have been more assertive by starting with a clear statement that previews the reasons why.
body paragraph
Aim to present one main idea per paragraph and develop it with a detailed example. Your second paragraph provides two separate main points, and while you touch on the benefits and role of smartphones during the pandemic, more specific examples or data would strengthen your point.
focus and development
It's important to ensure that your essay remains focused on the question. When discussing the necessity and benefits of mobile phones, relate it back to whether this supports your argument against banning them in the same way as smoking.
conclusion
Your conclusion successfully restates your opinion, but ideally, it should also briefly summarize the reasons you've provided throughout the essay. Strengthen your conclusion by clearly summarizing the main reason why mobile phones should not be banned.
coherence
Organize your thoughts coherently by planning the logical structure of the essay before you start writing. Make sure each paragraph logically follows from the previous one and leads to the next.
cohesion
To enhance cohesion, work on linking words and phrases. Although you've used some, there's room for improvement to ensure that ideas within and across paragraphs are connected more smoothly.
examples
Specific examples strengthen your arguments. Look for personal, historical, or current event examples that directly relate to the task and use them to support your main points.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • antisocial
  • social interactions
  • negative impacts
  • banning
  • regulated
  • completely banned
  • education
  • awareness campaigns
  • responsible
  • mobile phone use
What to do next:
Look at other essays: