IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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Excessive habit or usage of anything is not good for your body. The youngsters spend long hours daily on their gadgets. Children usually spend time on
phones
, for various purposes of entertainment like watching movies, scrolling social media, sites, reading newspapers or articles, connecting with family members and friends and much more. In my view, a negative enhancement for a child. Smartphones are quite addictive. And, intervene in the
overall
 development of a child in multiple ways
such
 as weak memory, loss of sight, obesity and others. To commence with, excessive usage of mobile
phones
 weakens the intellectual brain of a young child.
Moreover
, it
also
 leads to low retention of knowledge or any information.
For example
, since the era of mobile
phones
, children usually are reluctant to learn mobile numbers.
Furthermore
, using the phone for long hours
also
 adds up to
to
Remove the redundancy
apply
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weakening of the eyes and they face problems like -
eye watering
Add a hyphen
eye-watering
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, wearing spectacles at an early age,
headache
Fix the agreement mistake
headaches
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, migraines and many others. As per the survey report conducted by BGC Group in 2015, more than 25% of children need glasses before the age of 5 years
due to
 high exposure to blue rays. Longevity of phone usage on a regular basis, does not only sum up with visual or physical problems. But, it
also
 contributes to physical health like obesity.
For example
, many times, in articles and newspapers,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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doctors have shared their concern for rising body weight issues among adolescents. For
this
, the sole reason is the lack of outdoor activities. Nowadays,
adolescent
Fix the agreement mistake
adolescents
show examples
 prefer to stay indoors and spend time on various gadgets
than
Rephrase
rather than
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 choosing any physical workout.
To sum up
,
undoubtly
Correct your spelling
undoubtedly
, there are
few
Correct article usage
a few
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 positive aspects of using mobile
phones
such
 as reading newspapers or generating income through social media or trading activities.
However
, it is still far behind
to surpass
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in surpassing
show examples
 the negative developments. So, it is advisable to do everything in moderation in order to enjoy the benefits of it.
Submitted by dewansurbhee7 on

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Introduction Structure
Ensure that the introduction clearly states the topic and prefaces the position or argument that will be presented, setting a transparent foundation for the essay.
Logical Flow
Work on developing a more cohesive argument by applying a clear structure to the essay, such as introducing paragraphs with topic sentences and using transitional phrases to create a smooth flow of ideas.
Supporting Examples
Expand on the provided examples to fully illustrate the points being made. Examples should be detailed, relevant, and directly linked to the arguments to reinforce the child's development aspect discussed.
Task Response
Fully address both aspects of the question by discussing not only the negatives but also considering and elaborating on potential positives of children using smartphones.
Idea Development
Try to ensure that each main point is developed slightly further to adequately meet the task requirement of exploring why children spend time on smartphones and evaluating this tendency as a positive or negative development.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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