IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that children in schools should learn how advertisements motivate us to buy things. Do you agree or disagree? Give your opinion.

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Talking about materials that students should learn in class raises different opinions. Some people think that
kids
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 have to study
about
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apply
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how far the effect of broadcast on consumer purchase decisions
.
Add a missing verb
is.
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 Well, in my opinion, that
subject
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 matter is not suitable for
kids
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due to
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 their childhood innocence and academic priorities. Nowadays, advertisement media have grown so fast which is crucial
to
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for to
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 us gain an understanding of how they work.
However
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,
this
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 major is far beyond for children to learn at their age. Since their cognitive skill is still not completely mature like adults, they will have difficulty learning. In
this
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 stage of age, they are still innocent. As an illustration, when I was a child, my main focus in school was to play games with my friends.
Therefore
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, applying the publication
subject
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 will burden them, and it can lead to demotivation.
Furthermore
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,
academy
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the academy
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 curriculum should focus more on academic and practical subjects which have a direct contribution to children's development. Schools have to be able to develop learning materials that are not only good but
also
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 fun.
For example
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, they can arrange a study trip to nature in order to learn more about the environment. Combining theory and practice will make it easy for students to understand.
This
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 kind of
subject
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 is much more needed by
kids
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 rather than pushes them to analyse consumer behaviour.
To sum up
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, I want to notice once again that
kids
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 should not be burdened by advanced majors
such
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 as explaining advertisements.
This
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subject
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 may be more proper to apply to high school students as
kids
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 do not have rational reasoning in their ages.
In addition
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, they have more crucial priorities to learn
for instance
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 mathematics and science.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay could benefit from a clearer and better-developed argument structure. Try using paragraphs effectively to separate your ideas. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that the supporting sentences are directly linked to this main idea. Avoid general statements and provide specific examples to illustrate your points.
task achievement
While you have addressed the prompt, the extent of your response could be expanded. It's also important to ensure that your personal opinion is consistently clear throughout the essay. Consider adding more detailed examples to support your claims, and directly address both sides of the argument to enhance the balance and depth of your essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • persuasion
  • consumerism
  • brand awareness
  • manipulative techniques
  • subliminal messaging
  • materialism
  • impulse buying
  • psychological triggers
  • advertisement deconstruction
  • media savvy
  • ethical advertising
  • targeted advertising
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