IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that children should aim to their best at what they are doing while others believe it is not necessary for them. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#people #children #aim
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In modern times, the issue of
aim
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 in
life
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 has become highly controversial. Some say that
children
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 should
aim
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 for their best,
however
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, others believe that they should not. In
this
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 essay, I will examine both sides of the argument and provide my
overall
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 opinion. Generally speaking, there are two main reasons why
people
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 consider that juveniles should be highly ambitious in their every phase of
life
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. Perhaps the main reason why
people
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 are in
favor
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favour
show examples
 of
this
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 idea is that it will help
children
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 to obtain success. A good illustration of
this
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 is that
people
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 who set their goals high often shine in
life
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 and
fulfill
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fulfil
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 their expectations. A
further
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 point in
favor
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favour
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 of
people
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's belief in terms of youth dreams is that they will make a perfect society. If youngsters become educated, they will minimize all the negative issues in their communities and turn into a better place to live. Despite these arguments, there is
also
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 a case for the notion that
children
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 don't need to
aim
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 their best. The main cause why individuals think that it is not necessary is because it could affect their mental health. When someone fixes a dream and if they fail to achieve it in
life
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, it will badly affect their mind.
As a result
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, sometimes they give up on their
life
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 and often intend to suicide.
Secondly
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, they can not enjoy their
life
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.
Cause
Correct word choice
Because
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 they will feel pressure in their daily
life
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 to gain their
aim
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.
Hence
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 their personal
life
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 become a mess. In conclusion, it must be said that
children
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's aims have become a complex issue with no easy solutions. Despite arguments, I strongly feel that
children
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 should
aim
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 for their best.
Submitted by sahareatushar124 on

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task achievement
Ensure that the introduction sets out the topic clearly, with a strong thesis statement that outlines the views you will be discussing. Aim for a more comprehensive conclusion that summarises your main points and clearly states your own opinion.
coherence cohesion
The essay needs a clear logical structure, with well-organised paragraphs that have clear topic sentences to guide the reader through your argument. Transitions between ideas should be smoother to enhance readability.
task achievement
Use specific examples to support each viewpoint thoroughly. The current essay lacks detailed examples that could help illustrate the points being made, thus enhancing its persuasive quality.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • striving for excellence
  • discipline
  • perseverance
  • competitive
  • reduces pressure
  • balanced development
  • fosters creativity
  • realistic goals
  • adverse mental health outcomes
  • achievable aspirations
  • balanced approach
  • participation
  • enjoyment
  • societal and cultural impact
  • understanding of success
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