IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Some people think that young people should go to university to further their education while others think they should be encouraged to work to serve society. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #university #education #work #society
The topic of whether graduates should apply for a
university
 degree as an executive
education
 or they should commence working immediately has long been at the centre of discussion. I personally uphold the view that as diversified as our society is solely
people
 with certain professions should seek a
further
education
 like a
university
 degree. On the one hand, the complexity of some professions requires
people
 to undergo a long educational journey to be able to serve as competent professionals. To illustrate, doctors and scientists are obliged to climb the hierarchical ladder of
education
 starting from a bachelor's to a PhD degree consecutively if they ever dream about being a well-respected individual in their lives.
Furthermore
, studying in a
university
 is a basic human right and everyone can benefit from the knowledge that they might gain during the time spent in universities. Consequentially,
this
 will cause a surge in the
people
's
education
 index, increasing labour efficiency in countries.
On the other hand
,
although
 some
people
 prefer to carry their
education
 to a higher level by attending
university
 classes, others remain inactive and pursue a different career path that might be a good serve for society. Those exceptionally gifted
people
 usually choose a profession that does not require any educational affiliation at all and what matters is their talent.
For example
, entrepreneurs and investors are some of the most elite occupations that provide plentiful employment opportunities and huge monetary value for the communities.
In addition
 to that the majority of them are known to be school drop-outs rather than studying at the top-tier universities without any professional background. In conclusion,
although
 obtaining an extensive
university
education
 may contribute to the advancement of societies,
this
 may not hold true for certain exceptionally talented individuals who possess an inherent ability to create value.
Submitted by orkhanshamil on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear logical structure. Work on linking your ideas more clearly and cohesively throughout paragraphs. Use varied and appropriate linking words to show the relationship between different ideas.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but would benefit from a stronger thesis statement and summary of the main points. Make sure your concluding sentences effectively summarize your discussion without introducing new information.
coherence cohesion
While your main points are generally supported, adding more specific examples and elaborating on them further would strengthen your arguments and support your statements more convincingly.
task achievement
You have addressed the topic and provided a response to the task, but ensure that the ideas are developed fully. Expansion on the main ideas with more depth would enhance the response.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear and mostly comprehensive, but to achieve a higher score, the interconnection of ideas can be improved. Make sure each paragraph flows naturally to the next, and maintains a clear focus throughout.
task achievement
Include more relevant and specific examples to illustrate your points. This evidence helps to demonstrate a full understanding of the topic and provides stronger support for your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • tertiary education
  • academic pursuits
  • vocational skills
  • innate talent
  • job market
  • hands-on experience
  • entrepreneurial spirit
  • economic landscape
  • higher education
  • apprenticeships
  • graduate employability
  • lifelong learning
  • socio-economic development
  • job readiness
  • workforce integration
What to do next:
Look at other essays: