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Band 6.5

People in many countries spend more and more time far away from their families. Why does this happen and what effects will it have on them and their families

#people #countries #time #families #happen #effects
It is
a
Change the article
an
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 increasing trend worldwide where citizens devote less
time
 to their family members. In
this
 essay, I will identify the reasons and the effects on their
families
 and individuals. As for reasons, why people tend to spend less
time
 with their
families
.The first one that comes to my mind is that some workers have to endeavour
due to
 the intense competition in modern society. They may separate from their relatives because of
work
 pressure from their superiors.
For example
, the employees in the oil industry usually
work
 on the ocean where oil extraction platforms are located. They have to compete with domestic and foreign competitors. Their hard effort contributes to achieving international companies’ target margins. Another reason is that individuals sometimes indulge themselves in new entertainment,
such
 as online chatting and video games, resulting in a significant reduction in quality
time
 with their
families
.
Consequently
, those who are separated from their family members may suffer mental problems, resulting from the lack of support from
families
. For their husbands or wives, they may be divorced
due to
 separation for a long
time
.
On the other hand
, their children probably become addicted to some online content because of a lack of companionship. They will have a bad quality
life
Change preposition
of life
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 if they are
binded
Correct your spelling
bonded
 with their jobs. In conclusion, we should strike a balance between
work
 and life. The most important reason behind the phenomenon is the requirement of hard
work
 and being obsessed with the new entertainment. It is bad for those who spend less
time
 with their
families
 and their family members.
Submitted by shaobo.xu on

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examples
Work on integrating more diverse and specific examples into your essay to strengthen your arguments.
comprehension
Try to clarify and expand upon your ideas for a more comprehensive exploration of the topic.
language
Be mindful of repetition and aim for more varied sentence structures to enhance readability.
structure
Good job on providing a clear introduction and conclusion that effectively bookend your essay.
understanding
Your essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and a logical progression of ideas.
balance
You've effectively balanced discussing both causes and effects related to the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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