IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

People continue to commit crime even after being punished for it . Why do you think this happens? How can crime be stopped?

#people #crime
Financial illiteracy used to be the biggest problem of my childhood. Though, my mother had an average salary and some bonuses from my father as
a
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apply
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child support. Even though, my mom did not have enough financial knowledge to manage money effectively. I really did not have an idea what
is
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was
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 happening
due to
 my young and silly mind. As a big brother to my sister and an assistant to my
mother
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mother,
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 I had to find a way to abandon
these paycheck-to-paycheck lifestyle
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this paycheck-to-paycheck lifestyle
these paycheck-to-paycheck lifestyles
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.
At the end
 of 10th grade, I explored
new
Correct article usage
a new
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 sphere with outrageous potential, web3.0.
This
 field is about
to
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apply
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speculating digital pictures that have value
among
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in
show examples
this
 community. At the beginning of my way, I started taking courses
to start
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apply
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,
then
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and then
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 day by day I made NFT
as
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apply
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a part of my daily routine and
consequently
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consequently,
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 I started earning my livelihood.
However
, after 1 year,
during
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while
show examples
 working I spotted that very talented
artists
 who are constantly making high-quality NFTs went unnoticed by
community
Add an article
the community
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. At
this
 point, I realized that I
want
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wanted
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 to help them and started planning my own ecosystem, where
artists
can
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could
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 buy a place at my project and
then
 I
can
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could
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 send out their
creation
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creations
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 to every volunteer every month,
moreover
, these NFTs can be sold in platforms
such
 as magiceden.io, tensor.trade, coral.cube. So, everyone has their own profit, people can receive NFTs from
artists
 and can evaluate them,
also
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and also
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 sell them to get money,
me
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apply
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as a head of
this
 project may receive money from
artists
. Now, it is my dream to materialize
this
 concept.
However
, to do it, I must study finances
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to at
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at
Correct your spelling
an
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academical
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academic
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 degree
,
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apply
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 because
this
 idea directly demands working with budget, controlling finances may avoid some big budget spaces in the lifecycle of
this
 project.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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introduction conclusion present
The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion that relate directly to the given topic and question. It is important to address the question directly, providing a clear thesis statement in the introduction and summarizing main points in the conclusion.
logical structure
There is an evident lack of logical structure in the essay. It digresses significantly from the topic and does not develop a coherent argument related to the causes of recurrent criminal behavior and ways to prevent it. Make sure to plan your essay with a clear progression of ideas, sticking to the topic throughout.
supported main points
While the narrative provides some examples from personal experience, they do not support the main points in addressing the question of why crime continues and how it can be stopped. Focus on using relevant and specific examples that clearly illustrate and support the main ideas related to the essay question.
complete response
The response does not adequately address the prompt, as the content does not relate to the reasons behind the persistence of crime or possible solutions. Ensure that all paragraphs are focused on answering the question posed and that all points made are relevant to the topic.
clear comprehensive ideas
Ideas presented in the essay are somewhat clear, but they are not developed comprehensively as they do not relate to the given topic. Develop a clear outline that addresses the topic and use paragraphs to lay out arguments and ideas systematically.
relevant specific examples
Specific examples should be used to underpin your arguments about crime persistence and prevention. The examples given are not relevant to the question. Always choose examples that reinforce your arguments directly in the context of the essay's topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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