IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The charts below show the number of Japanese tourists travelling abroad between 1985 and 1995 and Australia’s share of the Japanese tourist market. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.

The charts below show the number of Japanese tourists travelling abroad between 1985 and 1995 and Australia’s share of the Japanese tourist market. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.
#show #japanese #tourists #australia’s #tourist #market #report #university #lecturer #information
The bar chart demonstrates the total number of
Japanese
 tourists who took a trip overseas (measured in millions) between 1985 and 1995,
while
 the line chart delineates the
share
percentage
 of
Australia
 that resulted from the
Japanese
 tourist market. Looking from
overall
Correct article usage
an overall
show examples
perspectives
Fix the agreement mistake
perspective
show examples
, the onset of an increase in
Japanese
 tourists who travel overseas throughout a 10
-year
period
 was
also
 directly proportional to the substantial rise
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
Australia
's
share
percentage
 from
Japanese
 visitors. First of all, over the 5
-year
period
 since 1985,
Japanese
 who were keen to take an international trip remained below 10 billion.
Conversely
, the total
percentage
 of
Australia
's
share
 contributed by
Japanese
 wayfarers
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 has shown a significant increase since the beginning and reached its peak at an approximate total
percentage
 of 4.8 in 1988.
Furthermore
, the
share
 had dipped to the lowest
percentage
 throughout the 10
-year
period
, registered at approximately 4.2% in 1989.
Began in
Verb problem
From
show examples
 1990 onwards, the proportion of
Japanese
 who underwent travel
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
abroad started to grow, exceeding the number of 10 billion. Despite the fluctuation throughout the 6
-year
period
, the total number of
Japanese
 who took a trip to another country had rocketed dramatically, recorded at 15 billion.
Furthermore
, for the
share
 of
Australia
, followed by the year 1989, it
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
gradually increased and reached its highest
percentage
, exceeding 6% in 1993 before
Correct article usage
a slightly
show examples
slightly
Change the adverb
slight
show examples
 decline in 1994.
Submitted by chastinervine on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "furthermore".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words japanese, share, percentage, australia, -year, period with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 6 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
▼

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • decade
  • fluctuation
  • consistent growth
  • market share
  • peak
  • period
  • significant
  • trend
  • indicate
  • tourism industry
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!