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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below show the number of Japanese tourists travelling abroad between 1985 and 1995 and Australia’s share of the Japanese tourist market. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.

The charts below show the number of Japanese tourists travelling abroad between 1985 and 1995 and Australia’s share of the Japanese tourist market. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.
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The bar chart demonstrates the total number of
Japanese
Use synonyms
 tourists who took a trip overseas (measured in millions) between 1985 and 1995,
while
Linking Words
 the line chart delineates the
share
Use synonyms
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
Australia
Use synonyms
 that resulted from the
Japanese
Use synonyms
 tourist market. Looking from
Linking Words
overall
Correct article usage
an overall
show examples
perspectives
Fix the agreement mistake
perspective
show examples
, the onset of an increase in
Japanese
Use synonyms
 tourists who travel overseas throughout a 10
-year
Use synonyms
period
Use synonyms
 was
also
Linking Words
 directly proportional to the substantial rise
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
Australia
Use synonyms
's
share
Use synonyms
percentage
Use synonyms
 from
Japanese
Use synonyms
 visitors. First of all, over the 5
-year
Use synonyms
period
Use synonyms
 since 1985,
Japanese
Use synonyms
 who were keen to take an international trip remained below 10 billion.
Conversely
Linking Words
, the total
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
Australia
Use synonyms
's
share
Use synonyms
 contributed by
Japanese
Use synonyms
 wayfarers
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 has shown a significant increase since the beginning and reached its peak at an approximate total
percentage
Use synonyms
 of 4.8 in 1988.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the
share
Use synonyms
 had dipped to the lowest
percentage
Use synonyms
 throughout the 10
-year
Use synonyms
period
Use synonyms
, registered at approximately 4.2% in 1989.
Began in
Verb problem
From
show examples
 1990 onwards, the proportion of
Japanese
Use synonyms
 who underwent travel
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
abroad started to grow, exceeding the number of 10 billion. Despite the fluctuation throughout the 6
-year
Use synonyms
period
Use synonyms
, the total number of
Japanese
Use synonyms
 who took a trip to another country had rocketed dramatically, recorded at 15 billion.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, for the
share
Use synonyms
 of
Australia
Use synonyms
, followed by the year 1989, it
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
gradually increased and reached its highest
percentage
Use synonyms
, exceeding 6% in 1993 before
Correct article usage
a slightly
show examples
slightly
Change the adverb
slight
show examples
 decline in 1994.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "furthermore".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words japanese, share, percentage, australia, -year, period with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 6 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • decade
  • fluctuation
  • consistent growth
  • market share
  • peak
  • period
  • significant
  • trend
  • indicate
  • tourism industry
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