Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Music
can stimulate our minds and bodies and also
offer some temporary relief from mental agony and sadness. Music
probably can do many other things, but it can not bring people
of different cultures
and ages
together. And
Correct word choice
This
this
essay will explain why we can not rely on music
to accomplish such
a difficult task.
Music
has some elements and qualities to bring some like-minded people
within, not outside of a certain culture
, country or nation closer together in a common bond because the tone and tune of that music
sound so familiar to them. Many music
lovers even suggest that music
is the food for our soul, regardless of our age. True that may be, but when we are pinning our hopes on music
to unite people
of different cultures
and ages
, we are becoming too much
optimistic, to say the least, because Fix the agreement mistake
apply
culture
is a very difficult subject to understand and so is “human nature”.
Culture
is not only about what we like to listen to, or what we do not for some temporary pleasure or gratification. Rather, culture
, among other things, very predominantly is also
about “how we are so dissimilar to each other”, and it is essentially this
“wish” or “sentiment” that helps us cling to our own ways of life, no matter how “peculiar” or “weird” that may look to other cultures
. It is because of this
strong “sentiment” that even though,
almost all the countries in the continent of South America essentially speak the same language or practice the same religion, they are not merged into only one country. The same applies to different Remove the comma
apply
ages
as well, and that is
why we see, more often than not, that while
a young guy likes some heavy rock or heavy metal music
, an older person likes a more traditional or classic type of music
.
So, from the discussion above, it should be fairly clear to us that music
is important for our life, but it is not a good way to bring people
of different cultures
or ages
together.Submitted by dentdent4 on
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task achievement
Your essay presented a one-sided view which lacked depth in addressing the full extent of the statement. You omitted to discuss why or how music might bridge cultural and generational divides, which would have given a more rounded argument. This affected your score in task achievement.
task achievement
You need to develop your ideas further and include specific examples to strengthen your argument. Using real-world instances or hypothetical scenarios can help illustrate your point more convincingly. This impacted your score for task achievement as well.
coherence and cohesion
The essay requires additional work in structuring logical sequences between points. Transitions and connections between paragraphs were not consistently clear, impacting coherence. Further, paragraphs must each have a central idea that is elaborated upon, which was not consistently apparent.
coherence and cohesion
The essay had an introduction and a conclusion, but they were not fully developed. An introduction should clearly state your position and outline the forthcoming points. The conclusion needs to summarize these points and restate your opinion, which was done to a minimal extent.
coherence and cohesion
Your main points should be well-supported by relevant explanations, details, or examples, which was marginally done in your essay. Doing so provides strength to your assertions and aids in delivering a more persuasive argument.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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