IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

in some countries, the number of shootings increase because many people have guns at home. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give specific reasons and explames to support your answer.

#countries #shootings #people #guns #home #explames #support
Across the globe, many individuals own
guns
 for self-defence or recreational purposes. Pistol-related mortalities in the
household
,
in particular
, throw the ethics of
such
 forms of private
gun
 ownership to sharp relief. In
this
 essay,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 shall appeal to crime statistics to argue that a person is at a far
apply
Verb problem
apply
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greater risk of being shot if there is a
gun
 in the family circle.
To begin
 with, it is intuitively obvious that having a
gun
 in a
household
 will endanger children and teenagers.
This
 is because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 minors do not have the requisite knowledge or maturity to handle
guns
 safely.
For example
, the United States of America Department of Justice recently revealed statistics showing that 150 American children and teenagers are deceased each year because of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
accidents relating to
household
guns
.
Therefore
, it is incontrovertible that custody of a rifle leads to additional shootings.
Secondly
,
household
guns
 are especially hazardous when couples have violent arguments.
This
 is because, male sexual rage, to be specific, often results in deadly aggression.
For instance
, The International Crime Bureau produced statistical evidence that, if a man discovers his wife having an affair, he is twice as likely to kill her in a fit of jealous rage if he has easy access to a
gun
.
As a result
, once again,
household
guns
 correlate positively with shootings. In conclusion, there is undeniable evidence that having a
gun
 in the family leads to
further
 shootings. Given the strength of
this
 authentication, in the future, more legislation needs to be put in place to limit private cannon ownership.
Submitted by simransokhal50 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure all paragraphs are well-structured and each paragraph focuses on one main idea. Avoid mixing multiple points in a single paragraph as this can reduce coherence.
Coherence & Cohesion
Linking words should be used to show the relationship between ideas. Words such as 'therefore,' 'for example,' and 'as a result' help to maintain a logical flow throughout the essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that the introduction and conclusion are present and effectively bookend the main content of the essay. The introduction should present the topic and your position, while the conclusion should summarize the main points and reiterate your stance clearly.
Task Achievement
A full response to the task should maintain a consistent and clear position throughout the essay. You should address all parts of the prompt, ensuring that your opinion is stated and extended with relevant, specific examples or explanations.
Task Achievement
Ideas should be clear and developed comprehensively. Ensure each paragraph has a central idea that is elaborated upon with explanations and examples where appropriate.
Task Achievement
Use relevant examples to support your points. Examples should be specific and directly related to the topic, and they should serve to strengthen your argument. Avoid generic or vague examples that don't clearly support your position.
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