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Writing Samples
Band 7

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the numebr of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvanatges?

#time #population #countries #adults #numebr #people #situation #disadvanatges
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There is ongoing contention over whether countries comprising a large number of younger generations have more advantages rather than the majority of the population being elderly
people
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.
This
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 essay will argue that having a high percentage of younger
people
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 is more likely to benefit countries, as it contributes to a strong workforce and
also
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 reduces medical expenses within the nations.
To begin
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, the young can immensely give impetus to the workforce in society.
According to
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 a static, more than 65 per cent of the labour force in a country is made up of 22 to 40 years of adults on average, which indicates that it would have a detrimental effect on the GDP of countries without leaning on them.
In particular
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, under the circumstances where there has been fierce international competition in a myriad of fields, turning to the younger generations would be of paramount importance.
Furthermore
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, the elderly are more vulnerable and prone to
become
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apply
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illnesses, which often results in additional burdens in society.
However
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, there might be concern about the safety of society in general with the younger populations increasing.
For instance
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, an area, in which many younger adults are residing, has a tendency to have a high crime rate. In
this
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 instance,
although
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 it may pose a threat to the community around the place,
this
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 insecurity would be mitigated by enforcing a more rigid law and security system. In conclusion,
while
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 there might be a likelihood of causing a high crime rate
due to
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 an increasing number of young
people
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, there would be several solutions to address it.
Nevertheless
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, looking at the perspective of undermining the workforce
as well as
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 older citizens’ medical expenses, the issue can be considered to be more intricate,
therefore
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 a high population of younger
people
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 is more advantageous than its counterpart.
Submitted by artical5er7 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates sufficient logical structure, but there appears to be an inconsistency in the progression of ideas. Aim to enhance the linking of ideas and paragraphs for improved coherence.
coherence cohesion
Make sure your introduction and conclusion are both present and more clearly address the essay question. Your conclusion should not only summarize the main points but also succinctly evaluate the advantages versus disadvantages, as asked in the prompt.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are supported to some extent; however, elaboration and depth in supporting your argument could be strengthened. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages in a more balanced and detailed manner, providing concrete examples to underpin your arguments.
task achievement
Your response is complete, yet there are opportunities to hone the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas. Work to refine the expression of your arguments to make them more compelling and less repetitive.
task achievement
The inclusion of specific examples is adequate, but these should be more elaborated and relevant to the central points being made. Refrain from making general statements without evidence, and instead give precise illustrations that substantiate each advantage or disadvantage discussed.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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