IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

the number of people are at risk at serious health problem is only because of overweight. what is the reason and how it can be solved?

#people #risk #health #reason
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It is essential to acknowledge an overweight is a
prime
Correct word choice
major
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problem
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in
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apply
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worldwide and
people
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 have more and more potential to be affected by severe diseases. The main reasons are unhealthy eating
habits
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 and an inactive lifestyle.
This
Linking Words
 essay discusses these reasons and will explain possible solutions to solve the
problem
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.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the obesity group is significantly increasing because of unhealthy eating patterns.
Moreover
Linking Words
, many
people
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 eat irregularly and consume large amounts of high-calorie diets.
For example
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, 50% of adults in Europe with bad
habits
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 of eating suffer from obesity.
Secondly
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, an inactive lifestyle contributes to the surge of
this
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 issue and a number of
people
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 rely on cars
instead
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 of walking, have fewer physical demands at work and prefer inactive leisure activities.
This
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 results in burning fewer calories and gaining weight. There are some possible solutions that can be taken to mitigate the
problem
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. Mainly, conducting awareness programs
helpful
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is helpful
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 to develop comprehensive knowledge among individuals regarding healthy food
habits
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 and possible diseases.
In addition
Linking Words
 to that, combined
health
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 campaigns together to monitor
health
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 outcomes. As an example, Sri Lanka's
health
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 sector conducted
an
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
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awareness programs and
health
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 screenings in the western province,
statistic
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statistics
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 revealed improvements in the selected adult obesity groups.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the government should allocate funds to construct infrastructure with fitness areas in public places for citizens and employers should encourage the staff to walk in the office premises
instead
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 of using the lifts.
Also
Linking Words
, often encounter facilities for maintaining their
health
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 status
people
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 are motivated without hesitations. In conclusion, nowadays the modern world rapidly growing number of obese and a rising population with related illnesses. Unhealthy eating
habits
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 and sedentary lifestyles are the stem of the
problem
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 and
health
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 awareness programs and facilities for fitness can rid
this
Linking Words
 epidemic.
Submitted by ranasinghenadeeshani07 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates good logical structure with clear paragraphs, but transitions between ideas could be smoother. Include more cohesive devices to guide the reader through the essay seamlessly.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that both the introduction and conclusion are fully developed. The introduction should clearly paraphrase the question and outline the main points. The conclusion should effectively summarize the main points without introducing new information.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are supported, but they can be strengthened with more detailed explanations and deeper analysis. Avoid making general statements without elaborating on how they directly relate to the main argument.
task achievement
Your response addresses the task sufficiently but lacks depth in ideas and explanations. Ensure that you fully develop your argument and support it with specific details throughout the essay.
task achievement
Strive for clarity and comprehensiveness in presenting your ideas. Some arguments appear simplistic and require further elaboration or clearer expression.
task achievement
Excellent use of specific examples to support your arguments. Continue to use relevant and detailed examples to illustrate your points effectively.
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